There’s no such thing as going back to your life

There is no such thing as going back to your life. Going back would imply going back to something known, to a sense of security. I left to be certain, more confident, to come back with a more defined purpose than I thought I had before. Though I “came back” with the most frightening feeling of fear I’ve ever experienced. This one, when you realize you’re a lost soul. No job, nothing to do, nothing you can actually share with your friends and family, heartbroken. An ‘unpurposed’ wandering soul.

I’ve been told to come back to land on my two feet. I told myself I needed to be back to feel whole again. It’s like ‘the old me’ went on holidays but would come around someday and everything will be alright. But this was not considering the fear of the unknown. Not knowing who you are anymore. What purpose do you want to give to yourself? This one strikes you out of the blue. Having your mind teared apart between staying still on the edge of the unknown, too afraid to move an inch, and rush towards billions of directions because you’re afraid not having any purpose anymore. It is truly very painful. I don’t who I am anymore. I tell myself I don’t want to be who I was, but who was I? Someone truly different? I don’t think so. So what happened?

I know this place, this was my place. But I want to be back in my tent. I know this room, it was my room but it feels like someone else’s. I can’t be back in my room yet. I think I know this person, I don’t want her to see me. Don’t talk to me, I have nothing to say to you. I know these clothes, I can’t figure if I’ll wear them again someday. These furnitures used to give me comfort. I don’t see their point anymore. If I can’t go back, at least I need to get rid of tones of stuff. My body has changed, I want to take care of it. I don’t want to immerse myself back in my ‘old’ life. I can’t bear the feeling of it touching me again. Slowly but surely. Away! Don’t try to stick on me again. Definitely no, I don’t want my life back.

I don’t know how, but I’ve been blessed by the best siblings and friends someone could ever dream of. Present to my side if I need, knowing how to give me some space when I feel like it. However, the first encounter with the ‘second circle’ was frightening. And oh I swear I love her so much. But what can I say? What will I say? I don’t want to discuss things we used to. And I can’t fully talk to you about what happened to me. This trip is the most beautiful and traumatic episode that happened to me. I’ve met the best people. I’ve seen the most beautiful things. I had a goal, I had to walk, to learn. I was in love. I was beyond happy. I now am heartbroken. I don’t meet wonderful people anymore. I’m back and don’t get to see this stunning landscapes anymore. And I don’t get to walk anymore. The six months which were supposed to give me my faith in me back, now feel like they’ve been stolen from me.

Somehow, I feel something boiling inside me. Something telling me that I can get something positive out of this. That it couldn’t be the end of some thing but the beginning of another one. That things happen for a reason, and that’s my way towards the next beautiful experience of my life. Deeply inside me, I know that every second of my sadness is worth every pieces of happiness that I felt. I thought about it before. I knew it before, and I still believe it know. Though I can’t help but try to repress it. The sadness and numbness is also a very comfortable place, that I’m not entirely ready to let go. I’m not ready to fill up the void yet. I’m getting comfortable with desolation.

Since I didn’t feel what I expected to when I got back even more confused, I guess I can say, as obvious as it can be, your life is always on the move, evolving. But then, what can you grab, something known or unknown, to pull yourself forward? Am I supposed to walk blinded by the darkness? At my very worst?

During these past months, I’ve tried a lot of things that I’ll keep doing because I feel that’s the new and true me. I’m not angry. I feel more at peace with myself when I’m accepting my pain and that things can’t always go as planned. Nature doesn’t care about your plans. I meditate because you can never work against nature. I acknowledge the pain and try to let go toxic feelings like angriness, fear, selfishness, jealousy. But it doesn’t make the pain and uncertainty go away. Not yet.

Now I only know there’s no such thing as home. There’s no home.

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