Daniel, I just re-read that beautiful post you wrote in May, a week after your wife died.
Heather Nann

Oh Heather. You are so kind to say those things but that post was based on a falsehood. A thing I thought was true or at least believed to be true, or desperately wanted to be true, turned out to be wrong. And I concealed much of the facts of the situation. I still am not ready and might never be ready to talk about what I know now really happened. Unfortunately, the actual facts do even less to assuage my guilt. I said some terrible things to the woman I loved and I failed to act when I had the chance to prevent the outcome. Worse still not only did I fail to act I actively discouraged the right course. I am trying so hard to move on but once again what happened with my sister was repeated with terrible consequences. I continually and wrongly made the bad choices. Even as I knew they were wrong. I guess some of us are just genetically programmed to do the wrong thing. What makes this time even worse is I have no appeal to the I was just a kid defense. I am a fully grown adult human with a (mostly) fully functioning brain of above average intelligence. Yes the circumstances were horrible and I could appeal to any other number of things. But all the justifications ultimately fail in my final analysis. I keep telling people I am not a good person. They usually reply with some variation on. The fact that you even care about if you or are or are not proves you are. This is also easily falsifiable in two different ways. A bad person could care about it deeply but still chose to act bad (that is me), a bad person could care deeply about it but easily convince themselves through self-deception that they are good all the while acting badly.

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