Tonight’s the Big Night — My Three Biggest Fans Finally Meet

Ucaca Wa + Uranus Yoda + Open Championship 2017 = ???

I am so nervous. After days of furious, intense negotiations with all three of my biggest fans on Medium I have finally arranged a meetup. The whole gang will be getting together at Arby’s for a shared meal of beef gyros and Mountain Dew’s. To be honest I was a bit uncertain about the venue especially with my newest follower and biggest fan yet open championship 2017 (OC17 as I call him for short). He is British and the brits are known world-wide for their discerning tastes in food and overall culinary excellence. Surprisingly however he was the first to accept and seemed excited, it’s hard to tell as he mostly just talks about golf constantly, I mean like non-stop. It’s fairway this and sandtrap that, over and over and over ad naseum. In any event he agreed quickly, I think, and that left only U Wa and the Yodster.

Luckily Wa’s Up was still Stateside and was not due back in Djibouti (the small East African nation state from which he resides) for another week or so. Believe me you do not want to catch Ucaca in Djibouti, talk about a mess, he can be impossible to get out of there. Uranus, as usual, was at the doctor’s again, something about some redness, chapping, and tenderness when he puckers or something like that. To be honest I didn’t pay much attention as he is always complaining about some unusual ailment or other and spends half his life at the doctors it seems. Frankly I think he just likes the extra attention. Every time I ask him how it went he smiles and says “The doc gave me the finger again before I left.” I don’t think I would be smiling if a doctor gave me such a rude gesture but I guess those two have some sort of special relationship where that sort of behavior is acceptable and even encouraged.

In any event after a little cajoling, I had to commit to more shoulder rides, Yoda-man said OK. That just left Wickedy Wackedy Wa to convince. I caught up with him finally at the hardware store. He was in the plumbing section picking up something to fix his clogged toilet. When I asked him what happened he mumbled something that sounded like “Ucacac droppa a big caca” or something similar (his accent is quite thick and he can be very difficult to understand at times) and smiled that big shit eating grin he always wears. I smiled back, gave him the famous Dan man finger point and dropped my patented Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas Up! greeting. His smile grew even bigger and he laughed and laughed and laughed. I got to the point real quick, relayed the situation, and asked if he was down. Of course I asked him by saying “You down, Up?” He looked very puzzled so I patiently explained to him that I was referring to the playful last name of Up I give him with my patented greeting and contrasting that with the opposite direction down in a clever play on words. Ultimately the expression was meant to ask him if he wanted to join us for dinner at Arby’s. I don’t know if he understood or not as he had apparently nodded off to sleep at some point during my explanation of the You down Up question. It was probably the best I would ever get from the Cacacster so I took it as a yes which brings me to the present.

Soon these three titans of followership, my biggest fans, will be arriving at the very Arby’s where I am currently sitting typing out these words. I was so hungry and just couldn’t wait so I already polished off one beef gyro and a small Mountain Dew but def still up for at least one more. This night is going to be awesome. Somebody call the fire department because we are about to set this town on fire. Also, someone probably should call Uranus’s doctor, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say his cheeks will be raw or bleeding or something weird like that. Last thing I want is Uranus raw and bleeding on my shoulders tonight. Hopefully OC17 is capable of talking about something other than the slope of the greens on the backs nine and the beauty of the final approach on 18. That British shit is boring.

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