Demisexuality
Are You a Late Bloomer or Are You Just Asexual?
When I turned 23 and I still had little to no romantic experience, I knew it was time to explore the question of why.
There is an age range in which being a virgin, being unkissed and lacking most other romantic experiences is completely normal. And then, suddenly, you look around and your peers are dating, have been in relationships, and are even casually hooking up.
I was lucky to be surrounded by people in school, who would also be considered late bloomers, postponing the inevitable question of “What’s wrong with me??”. Slowly I became the last person in my friend groups, who was mostly inexperienced in dating.
“You’re just really picky!”, is the sentence I heard most often from well-meaning friends. However, something about that didn’t sit right with me. The implication was that I was making a conscious choice as if I had a list of requirements a guy had to meet. I wasn’t choosing to stay single and celibate, rather it felt like there were no options for me to choose from.
When I was 23, doing my master’s abroad, meeting people, who assumed I was as experienced as them, I could no longer run from the question of why I felt so different from others. At the time, my only experience was an uncomfortable date at 19 where I literally sprinted away when he kissed me at the doorstep. He was just as confused as I was and I couldn’t explain why I suddenly felt uncomfortable with the situation. After that, I stayed away from dating and guys for about three years. I told myself that something casual just wasn’t for me and one day I would just run into someone and experience this moment portrayed in movies, where you lock eyes and you just know. You know that’s your person and you feel all the feelings that you’re supposed to feel. The sobering realization that this fantasy might not turn into reality, pushed me to seriously examine my sexuality. I had heard of the term ‘asexuality’ before, but my perception was that the term meant not wanting to engage in sexual activity altogether. Since I was a teenager I wanted to be in a relationship and also engage in sexual activities. So I couldn’t be asexual, right??
Well, it’s not that easy. When looking back at my crushes it became clear that I was only interested in admiring them from afar. I didn’t actually want them to know I liked them and I certainly didn’t want to kiss them or more. I know this because when a guy I had a crush on for years finally showed interest, I ran for the hills. In fact, I hadn’t met a person I wanted to kiss ever. And at 23 that does seem unlikely for a straight person.
Frankly, the possibility of being asexual scared me. As I really craved a long term partner, it felt like a normal relationship would become impossible. Also, I didn’t fit into the stereotypical asexual, who is averse to sex and wants nothing to do with dating. How does that fit? Just like most aspects of sexuality, this too presents on a spectrum. Importantly, all types of asexuality revolve around sexual attraction and do not refer to romantic feelings or libido. The reality is, as a 24-year-old woman I have never felt sexually attracted to anyone. I have had feelings for guys and I have been romantically interested in several men, but I did not feel the desire to engage in sexual activities with them. However, I do want to have a sexual relationship and I do feel arousal. You might ask yourself how this all fits together. From my research, I have come to the conclusion that I identify as demisexual. This defines a person who only feels sexual attraction once a deep emotional connection has been established. The best explanation I’ve read is “It’s like when you’re starving, and you open the fridge only to find nothing appealing.” This perfectly describes my feelings. I want to kiss, have sex and all that jazz but I have never met a person I want to do that with.
If you’re now thinking that sounds ‘normal’, I would like to point out that there is a difference between wanting to wait to engage in physical intimacy and not feeling sexual attraction for weeks and months after meeting someone.
Some might ask themselves why the labels are necessary. Personally, having a term to define how I feel and finding people, who relate to my experience took the pressure off. At the moment, I’m not worried about what I ‘should’ve’ experienced at my age, because if someone asks why I have never had sex I can have a conversation about it and avoid the awkward silence from my first ever date at 19. Also, it changed the way I approach dating and meeting guys. I don’t expect to meet someone and feel attraction off the bat and build a romantic relationship. Before, I wrote off guys I met on apps and in real life if I didn’t feel attraction immediately. Ideally, I will befriend someone and create a deep emotional connection without romantic expectations and then see what it turns into.
I’ve only realized this a few months ago and am still in the process of figuring out how to deal with my sexuality. I look forward to dating again without fearing uncomfortable situations or putting pressure on myself based on others’ expectations.
