The Great Saladino
Have you heard of Joey Salads? He may have already saved your life.
Joey Salads. Maybe you’re familiar.
Or maybe, like me a few months ago, right now you’re saying to yourself:
“Is there actually a person who calls himself Joey Salads? Because that sounds like a name only a playful yet surprisingly thoughtful man would self-apply. Maybe a YouTube celebrity, or possibly a stand-up comic who also does magic.”
Yes. There is. And he is. At least some of those things.
Joey Salads. Joey fucking Salads.
Joey Salads wants to talk to you about something important. Something that may startle you and will certainly entertain and impress you. Are you ready to listen? Then go ahead and watch, too. Joey Salads does nothing in half-measures.
A man with subtly sculpted hair and a playful hint of musculature showing under his Buffalo Jeans t-shirt saunters toward the camera. Earbuds casually hanging over the lip of his shirt, eyes and facial hair both at a cool half-mast, he begins to speak. “What’s up guys, I’m Joey Salads.”
I still remember the first time I heard the name. Someone in my Facebook feed had shared a video with a perfectly clickbait-y description: a guy gets “caught on camera” while drugging a woman’s drink. I was ready to believe whatever came after that, but upon further reading I was assured that I would in fact NOT believe what happened next, and guys, if you know anything about me, you know that I’m famous for my credulity. Certain I would beat the odds, I clicked play.
A man with subtly sculpted hair and a playful hint of musculature showing under his Buffalo Jeans t-shirt saunters toward the camera. Earbuds casually hanging over the lip of his shirt, eyes and facial hair both at a cool half-mast, he begins to speak. It’s a short intro shot: exterior, daytime, a red brick building with some umbrellas and an American flag visible in the background. Inexplicably, the man before us passes in front of a historical-looking bell. Like a mini-Liberty Bell? I don’t know. The camera follows him but never quite comes into focus — but these are details I didn’t notice on my maiden viewing, because I was too busy being broken in two by these words:
“What’s up guys, I’m Joey Salads.”
JOEY SALADS. My brain, just beginning to wrap itself around this name, this man, this enigma, was not ready to keep moving on, but on he pushed nonetheless, barely a break in his dulcet Staten Island tones:
“…and date rape is a big problem in today’s society. So I’m out here at a bar today — ”
Thus he concludes his searing analysis of society’s date rape problem (TL;DR: it’s big). One sentence is all he needs to describe this. A necessary bit of exposition out of the way, he is now ready to get down to the real business at hand. This is why we’re all here today.
“ — and I’m gonna figure out how easy it is to drug a girl.”
Titular line. Bingo.
Mr. Salads (he probably prefers Joey, though, don’t you think? Mr. Salads was his father) is going to drug a girl. Yeah, you heard that right. Are you shocked? Don’t think he has the balls? Well, he’s got ’em alright. He’s going to do it. Just to see how easy it is.
But no, not just for that reason.
See, Joey’s a thinker. He’s thoughtful. He’s thought about this date rape problem a lot over the last five minutes and he figures it’s time for somebody to get in there and see how it all really goes down. Not why, necessarily, but definitely how. He’s zeroed in on bar-related druggings specifically; caught hold of some truth about their centrality to the rape culture gig, like a grizzly bear swiping a live salmon out of an icy forest stream.
So yeah, he’s just gonna go ahead and solve this puzzle today, using a little something called a social experiment. Maybe you’ve heard of it? It’s a fun way to teach people about life and it really makes you think. Anyway, he’s pretty sure he knows the answers already, but this video isn’t for him, kiddo. It’s for you.
Joey’s opening statement comes to a close (finishing, as you may recall, with his intent to “drug a girl”) and the camera lingers a moment too long on his discomfiting smirk, presumably while the cameraman finds the autofocus button.
The Salad is Tossed
Joe Salads (née Saladino) proceeds to play out this drugging scenario he’s heard so much about on some unsuspecting dames at the local harborside dive. We cut to convincing security camera-type footage and see Joey S. chatting up a woman and her male companion at the bar.
“What kinda drink you guys get? Is it good? Do they water it down here, or…” he says, trailing off, to which the man replies, “Mine’s pretty heavy.”
A natural flow of conversation has been established. We all enjoy a knowing laugh about the effects of a weighty beverage. The experiment is well under way.
Suddenly, the woman turns to the man and says she has to go to the bathroom. She asks him to watch her drink. He says, “Sure.”
She gets up and walks away, taking her phone with her. We’re unsure what will happen. Will she place a call from the toilet or simply scroll her Twitter feed while she does her business? Will the man watch her drink as promised? He doesn’t seem to be so far, but she did JUST leave her seat two seconds ago.
J-Scoop, our man on the inside, sees his opening and takes it. He reaches over and drops something white into her drink in a manner that is smoother than you can possibly imagine. However, it doesn’t mix into the beverage immediately as expected but instead just floats conspicuously on top like a piece of styrofoam. Panic? No. Not our boy. He pushes it down with his finger. Greased lightning. Nobody could have seen it. When the woman returns and inevitably goes for a post-mickeying sip, BAM! That’s when he drops the A-bomb:
“You probably shouldn’t drink that.”
She looks up. “What? Why?” She’s confused, poor thing. She has no idea what’s going on around her, and this is probably a chronic problem of hers.
Why?? WHY shouldn’t you drink that vodka and cranberry juice? Is that what you’re asking right now???
BECAUSE GUESS WHAT DUMMY, JoJo McSmooth-Hands just tossed up a mixed drugs salad in your cup while you were off thoughtlessly peeing and your man was daydreaming about fishing rods, that’s what! The kind used for raping! Drugs I mean. Not fishing rods. The kind of DRUGS used for RAPING. AND THEN YOUR GOOD FRIEND J.S. STOPPED YOU FROM DRINKING THE DRUG-SALAD AND TOOK A TIME-OUT FOR LIFE LESSONS BECAUSE HE’S JUST AN EVERYDAY GUY WHO BOTH THINKS AND CARES.
Obviously both man and woman are amazed. Salads is non-plussed, but is both earnest and thoughtful. Then he does the SAME thing in the other girls’ glasses, dosing drugs much too smoothly for the other guys’ lasses.
And so it is now revealed that, beneath the giddy voyeurism of hidden cameras, the realistic bar-room chitchat, and the digitally-blurred faces of guileless patrons, there lurks a lesson for all of us — but especially those of us that are women — courtesy of one Joseph Salads, Esq.
The lesson is that you should totally NOT let yourself get drugged at a bar.
“Your carelessness,” Joey says to the first woman, “is what allowed me to do this.”
“Now you know,” he says.
He admonishes their male companions for not keeping a close enough eye on them or him. He explains that Date Rape and Girls Getting Drugged is a Problem. By the end of the video, everyone is scared straight.
Back outside, J-Sal looks into the (now crisply focused!) camera and concludes things thusly:
“As you can tell from this experiment, it is pretty easy to drug a girl.”
Tell them what you’re gonna tell them, tell them, then tell them what you told them. Experimenting 101. Nailed it, Salads-my-man!
Some Final Advice
(in case the next guy who puts a pill in your drink isn’t just a benign trickster making a demonstrative point about women’s safety)
“Always hold onto your drink, put a lid on it, or just never let it out of your sight.”
Simple, but brilliant. Bring an assortment of lids with you wherever alcohol might be served! (Don’t count on the host having them on hand, that’s just plain carelessness.)
If you don’t have any room for lids in your purse, then all you have to do is never go to the bathroom when you’re at a bar — or restaurant, outdoor festival, work party, bat mitzvah, a friend’s house, etc — and make sure you plan your bathroom breaks carefully before heading out for the evening! Get a map of all the 24-hour public restrooms in your city and memorize it. Learn how to pee in an empty beer bottle (or learn this one cool trick and never have to worry about toilets again). Eat low-fiber meals and stock up on Imodium. Maybe work on your self-control.
IT’S THAT EASY!
Also: don’t turn your head when someone calls your name, because this is the perfect opportunity for some Johnny-come-rapey to lean over and sprinkle powdered rohypnol into your appletini. Which you would have noticed if you weren’t being so recklessly social.
Simply avoid leaning down to grab your wallet or phone out of your purse. Practice finding these items blindfolded, then learn how to balance your purse on your knee while carefully digging through it for your keys and holding a drink in your other hand.
If possible, try not to look at anyone’s eyes or mouth when they’re talking to you, especially if their face is above drink-level.
Basically, don’t look anywhere for any length of time, other than directly into your (probably pill-free!) drink. Thinking about checking your hair in the mirror? Could a well-practiced hand pull a vial out of a coat pocket and deposit a dropper of liquid ketamine into your glass during that amount of time? THEN DON’T DO IT, YOU VAIN, CARELESS ASS BITCH. You are beautiful to Joey Salads no matter what, anyway, you sweet naïve little flower.
Okay, so that covers the beginning of the evening, but what do you do if, after a couple hours of close attention to nothing your cocktails, you’re getting a little tipsy?
Ladies, it’s more important than ever to maintain vigilance once you’re a few drinks in. Your heightened carelessness in this state could really get you into trouble! There’s probably some guy sitting next to you right now just itching to get you in a compromised mental state, pull you off to a secluded corner somewhere, and violate your incapacitated body — and with the kind of irresponsible behavior you’re displaying, can you really blame him?
Thinking about checking your hair in the mirror? Could a well-practiced hand pull a vial out of a coat pocket and deposit a dropper of liquid ketamine into your glass during that amount of time?
Hopefully you’re also within eyesight of a man who has been watching your drink for non-date-rape reasons. These silent heroes may look the same as the bad guys who’ve been eyeing your beverage, but if you’re actually paying attention for once in your silly little girl life, you’ll be able to easily tell them apart.
Maybe get some of that nail polish that turns different colors when you dip it into a tainted drink. Just always wear that nail polish I guess.
Here is the full video. If you ever happen to meet Joey Salads, make sure you thank them profusely. One million shares = one million lives saved.
Here’s another time I wrote about Joey Salads.