Coming out of the closet as an atheist: a wrong way and the right way.
Atheism and blackness don’t have to mix like oil and water.

The clip below is from Belle’s, a short-lived show on the TVOne network about a widower — played by the silken-voiced, formidable Keith David — who runs an upscale soul food restaurant with his family. Please watch it before continuing; I’ll wait.
You’re back? Great.
See, this entire scene leaves me with the strong desire to flip a table. All the actors involved — capable of much more nuanced work elsewhere — are phoning in their performances here. And the stale writing makes frenetic hash of what could have been a poignant scene: Why the sudden revelation of Jack’s atheism? Why does he so willingly share with his girlfriend’s family, in stilted language, what he couldn’t with her when they had apparently been dating for some time? Why does Jill’s (yeah, I looked up the character’s name, and I hope the pairing was not intentional) family find out that Jack’s family has disowned him before she does? Over a table at dinner, no less, in a scene so calculated to drive the plot to its predictable conclusion that one can almost see the actors rotate the steering wheel? And Jill’s father silences her — then speaks on her behalf — when she voices her outrage. Twice. Why?
My brain IS MELTING from all the cognitive dissonance.
If you click through to the YouTube page for this video (or the other page housing this clip with a different title) and read the comment section, you will see that most of the commenters left this restaurant scene with the same takeaway boxes:
What a horribly intolerant woman, and family… I’m not familiar with this show, and so I can’t tell if this is ironic, and therefore intentionally ‘damning’ towards stereotypical black Christian values. “How could you love anybody if you don’t love god” has to be one of the most insulting and naive statements of TV history.
Shit. I mean, that guy was a loving well-dressed [sic], successful, intelligent, funny man that she could clearly see was husband material and because he’s an atheist, she writes him off like he’s nothing.
At first i was pleasantly surprised that a black series would show such subject [sic]. Then the end proved how narrow minded most black people are. [like, really? really?]
And they all missed the fucking point: Jill is actually right.
Not only is she right, but were this situation gender-flipped, I doubt the majority of commenters would extend her the same understanding. Instead, they would chastise and condemn her for being dishonest with this man. Her indignation is wholly justified: in hiding his atheism from her, he robbed her of a chance to make an informed choice.
And she should have asked him, ‘How can you love me if you don’t love my faith?’ No condescending ‘love the sinner, hate the sin’ bullshit here, on either the atheist’s part or that of the religious: Her faith is a vital part of her identity, not a thing to look past, not a hurdle to overcome.
Interfaith relationships occur all the time. Love often transcends differing frameworks (language, philosophy, what have you) used to express it. And human beings of different belief systems who love each other decide upon what church, if any, in which to raise their children. It happens. But all parties in a relationship must come to the table together in good faith at the start. Jack has concealed something Jill — evidently a devout woman — deserved to know, especially given that black people in America are usually assumed Christian unless proven otherwise. He attempts to justify his lie by omission later in a cut to the kitchen at the restaurant: ‘I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to lose you.’ Do not do this to people.
Yes, her family is intolerant. Yes, Jack and Jill are better off without each other. Yes, this is yet another tone-deaf portrayal of atheists by writers who have never met one in real life and are working from a cheat sheet; yes, many versions of Jack’s family story play out over and again across the States: many, many people report being shunned by their families or ostracized by their communities after coming out as atheists. And yes, though no one is yet rounding us up to lynch or jail us on those grounds, most American atheists also dwell in a closet that is not yet safe to leave. Among the most unjustly maligned and distrusted people in the States, we consistently rank in close proximity to Muslims.
And black atheists in particular need support beyond mere inclusion, especially from the greater, overwhelmingly white community of rationalists, skeptics, freethinkers and humanists. Black American life is bound up inextricably with the Christian faith to a far greater degree than that of other American minority communities:
- Churches offered the only spaces where black people could gather without inciting the ire of whites until the 1970s or so;
- The majority of famous black civil rights leaders are Christians;
- Numerous black entertainers got their start performing in churches;
- and black churches often step in to provide for their underserved communities when mainstream society and local governments cannot be bothered, offering childcare, food, clothing, legal services and more.
Turning one’s back on the church can therefore feel like apostasy from an entire ethnic heritage and cultural identity along with a faith. And though the above scene from Belle’s handled this matter with buttered fingers, I could still feel Jack’s pain at being set adrift.
Coming clean with devout family members about atheism while black is rarely a safe or painless option, but there are ways to step outside the closet — especially in other close relationships — that don’t utterly trash one’s personal integrity. Here is my advice.
Define for yourself what ‘out’ means.
Parallels with the struggle of revealing queerness, mental illness or other routinely misunderstood and feared traits to others are obvious: If someone will be a constant presence in your life and will see you at your worst, tell them. But must your employers know? Your entire family? One is not obligated to be a flag-waving, card-carrying atheist with a capital A to be out as an atheist.
I do not hide my atheism; but neither do I advertise it. If it comes up in conversation with new friends or strangers, I talk about it respectfully if my present company is open to listening, and let the chips fall where they may. Anyone I date knows: it’s in my online dating profile, and it always comes up in conversation at some point with potential partners I meet offline. My family members who would love me regardless also know. I write about atheism — and comparative religion — because questioning the concept of God was my first love. But my atheism is the least interesting thing about me; that is true of you too.
If not sharing yours with your family or friends makes you feel as if you are lying to yourself, you have my greatest sympathies. Confront your fears, prepare yourself for the consequences and tell them. If you find it moves you to sport snarky godless slogans on tee shirts you wear to work, or advocate for the removal of ‘In God We Trust’ from American currency, or donate to Planned Parenthood and the Center for Inquiry (all wonderful things!), feel free. Your ‘out’ will likely look very different from mine.
Conversations trump debates.
I see so much elitism and condescension among atheists, so I will attempt to counter it here: religious belief does not make people idiots by default, and the faithful are not necessarily your opponents. Approach conversations with religious family and friends with humility:
- Listen more than you speak. You might learn something surprising.
- Ask — as kindly as you can, though your mind be filled with indignation and bemusement — why people believe as they do, and what meaning they derive from their beliefs.
- Seek common ground: and you won’t find it if you enter expecting to dominate with your superior rhetoric, knowledge of Scripture, embrace of science or ridicule. We’re all human; start there.
- When challenging people’s assumptions is necessary, do so with grace. The Socratic method, a series of questions (“but why?”) intended to expose contradictions in arguments, is a gentle approach perfect for shaking loose tired old prejudices.
- Be prepared to walk away from a conversation if it takes a turn for the nasty or you run out of emotional energy to continue. Winning is far less important than kindness to self and others, and derision in heavy doses — the favored weapon of those who claim Richard Dawkins as a spirit animal — only encourages people to shut their ears and deem us unworthy of respect.
I am aware that this is not unlike certain flavors of respectability politics already recommended to minority folks: be polite and not angry/dress semi-formally/speak in a mainstream English dialect so that the majority will want to listen to your grievances. Respectability politics is (mostly) bullshit. The difference here is that I am not advocating the tireless education of society or remaining closeted to preserve personal relationships at the expense of one’s own mental health.
Don’t try to convert people.
Freshly-minted atheists can be nearly as obnoxious as born-again fundamentalist Christians, as they share a penchant for tugging on people’s collars and shouting in their faces: ‘But I have good news! I don’t care if you want to hear it; I’ll tell you anyway because you NEED to know and I want to save you.’ These are the folks who hold that we would all be atheists if only everyone had the same information and understanding that we do.
Not everyone wants their cherished beliefs challenged. It’s frustrating, yes, but people hold religious belief dear for a reason. Even if it’s flat-out wrong, it gives the religious incentive to face every new day with hope. And the stakes are indeed high for black people who leave their Christian faith, as they are for many other American minority ethnic groups. What can you replace family, friends, blackness and community with?
All the Hollywood stereotypes about atheists aside, most of us left our faith after careful weighing of philosophical arguments, tons of natural evidence and social consequences over years. Let others do the same.
Find supportive spaces.
From time to time, you may need to vent or just relax around other non-judgmental folks. Seek and ye shall find! Mainstream atheist organizations are easy enough to locate, but here are a few dealing specifically with issues facing black atheists:
