I’d really like to read something right now. But that’s not going to happen. I guess I need to express some things. Some things perhaps that don’t make any sense. Hopefully some will.
Future is a funny thing. I have dreams that are little vignettes of the future. I only know because the cue for the moment actually comes. I hear the exact words I had heard in a dream then am allowed to alter the next moment, I say alter because I get a few seconds after the visual/auditory cue comes to change the outcome. Enough that a split second decision could be made. I often look back at the ones that played out exactly as I had dreamt and some bother me. Now the first time I noticed this was about 12 years old. Plenty of misfires, I had written a number of my dreams down and would study the note so the exact moment happens I don’t think it’s some random deja vu. But a few times it was right on the money.
I had a rather euphoric experience once where I tripped about my death. At the time I had been pretty sure it was a personal thing but after sharing the story I had plenty come back with things I can definitely remember when reminded but did not piece to my own. I still try to retain something from this thought is to try to be the person I saw dying. It wasn’t pretty, death rarely is, but the person was me but better. I’ve always felt like I aged like wine, I’m definitely more fit than I was a few years ago but nowhere near the 14–17 year old me. But I’m smarter than all those ages. Have scars I’m proud of and always willing to tell the tale. Which honestly I don’t mind the trade.
So future, yeah future. Its a curious thing. Despite my moments of precognition, I have to have faith that my timing is what will ultimately rule the day. So perhaps a man in his 60’s did die in my trip. Maybe it could have been me, but theres alot more to the story and how it gets told. Success however is a bit different. It has to be more than a moment where the right place and time intersect. I have always felt a strong sense of destiny. Every step forward has felt as if a step that already existed and sized for me. I feel so strong about how I see things and why.
I need to move forward and to do so must try to overcome so many parts of myself dedicated to impeding this progress. I don’t know how I will accomplish these things but I know I will. Success maybe not but progress definitely. I love creating as much as I love most other things. Other things I’ve let into my life and are part of its fibers. I can’t not create. Future is what you make of it. I’ve been waiting for more of these dreams and they’ve had their moments but all senses point forward. Forward it will be.
I don’t mean to come off like I know anything but I know what I want and need to be me. I need to keep fighting as we all must. Whats the use of a life not lived.