Everything wrong with here and now.
By here and now, I don’t mean a time-specific place or situation. Maybe I do a little, I mean I fvcking hate Ekiti and this nonsensical Youth service, if not anything I now hate Nigeria more than I did before I started this ridiculous journey. A trend they sustain with the strong 'push' of normalcy, they even threaten you with the dreadful thought of not getting employed here, as if there were any jobs. Most of us don’t even have enough discipline for a 7–4 job.
Elektra: someone is feeling attacked. 😂😂
I hate, nah, I loathe everything(the taste it leaves on the tongue is stronger)about this place. The fact that I have to teach and pretend to like it, the fact that the only thing they have here is pepper, the fact that I’m yet to taste the bush meat the internet said they are known for the first time I googled “ekiti”,
Elektra: the internet exaggerates!
…the fact that I have to appear grateful for this stupid programme, or even the fact that I have to suddenly cultivate a sense of community by attending meetings with a president who talks more than he breathes. That dude is the piper himself. And he cannot even speak good English.
Elektra: sorry, I should have warned you it’s a rant. She’s blunt, on fire.
So while he talks and talks, I pretend to analyse everyone sit-ed, this ridiculous autocorrect wouldn’t let me flow in peace.
I pretend to read everyone around me,from the flaming rainbow beside me who would rather die than admit he likes it muscled and tight,even after the numerous “I see you brova” gestures I’ve thrown his way, the chatterbox on my right hand who looks like he stares into his pants when no one’s looking and sighs, the “mud-face” on the front row who notices everything but not the enormous amount of foundation she heaps on that face, the …
Elektra: she can do this all day
This is not the post-university life I imagined. I imagined hustle, me hustling so hard I’d feel the letters of the word literally hit every part of me as the alerts flood my iPhone X; I wanted happiness, the kind that comes with having excess owo tutu, and lots of other things I wouldn’t mention here.
Elektra: I bet it’s something perverted.
Stfu!
Sadly, I’m getting none of those here. Instead I’m confused, about what comes next, about what I want, and if I can auto-pilot myself through the remaining months of this programme.
I’m selfish, I want opportunities, I like to know I have numerous choices. A friend said this entire feeling (circling the entire feeling) is normal. I don’t even know what’s normal anymore.
I feel cheated too. Like I deserve something better. I’m not really bought over by the Nigerian optimistic nature of believing that things happen for a reason and that there’s always a silver lining in such gloomy situations. Fvck that Nigerian-ness, roll out the south-korean demeanour!
After all said, I hate here and now.
But the most ironical thing is that I don’t even know what happens after here and now. I seriously need to stop over thinking things.
Elektra: yes you do.
Well fvck everything. You too Elektra.
