life lately

has been about fingers going numb and tingling because of the 4th cup of caffeine you’ve taken. It has been about facing your best corners and even the worst day you think you’ve had so far. It has been about the sun shining down on you on a hot, late afternoon, watching people as they pass by with their bags that scream notice me and their shoes covered in shine that you no longer know if it’s real or just an illusion. To be told that you’re going to be fine despite drowning in every deadline, every paper starting to pile up and up, losing track of the reasons why you committed yourself to doing the things that you do, when in reality all you want to do is scream at the top of your lungs and tell every single person that it is not okay to force your eyes open until your head gives up on you. To also be told that you are loved, you are comforted, and all the other words of attempted encouragement you have heard more than a dozen times in your lifetime from a complete stranger who doesn’t even know the first thing about what happened to you in the past or present, who is not even an inch close to knowing anything about you, who attempts to involve one’s self in clearing the kind of suspended air that doesn’t need the presence of anyone who isn’t worthy of the whole story keeps you on your toenails, trying mightily to push away any kind of disdain, steer clear of the superficiality, keep your eyes from rolling to the back of your brain. It has been about fighting a war that you can’t win and the only way you know how to pick up the pieces of your wounded dignity is to fall down on your knees, put your hands up, surrender. It has been about work that needs to be routinely done, yet it keeps on getting worse everytime you try to answer questions over and over, and sometimes you just wish you’d shut up. It has been about endless, pointless reasons, stretched patience and sensibility, the continuous battle for contentment. When you think you have finally freed yourself is the time you realize you’re still in too deep and the only way out is to revel in quicksand until it decides to let you go. It has been about seeing hypocrisy, misplaced betrayal, worthlessness — the feelings that have you thinking that you’ve done something terribly wrong yet you also know that everything you’re seeing is not. your. fault.

I am sorry, I keep on forgetting — life lately has been about you and your constant need to keep me in check for all the wrong reasons, about self-assurance and validation that you can never get from love or war or peace, not when it’s holding you by the neck, waiting for you to screw up and drop you to the ground. Life lately has been crazy, hectic, forgotten, beautiful — all at the same time.

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