There was a time when I came home after work, put down my bag the same time I removed my shoes, sat on my bed, and cried.

I haven’t always had that faith. I haven’t always been the best person to love. When somebody did love me, I jumped right in, thinking he was it. He was it. I wasn’t always outspoken about my last relationship because I never saw the purpose of sharing our story to others. But heartbreak. Yes, it did happen to me.

That night as I stared at my feet, I realized that it has been more than a year since I last saw him. Long story short, he pursued me, we were together for 2 years, he grew cold and didn’t bother to talk to me for a month. Without warning, he was gone. And all he had to say for himself was that he was sorry and that he wanted to put his ministry and family first before anything else.

So I was “anything else.”

I searched my heart for the things that have been bothering me. It wasn’t just him. I had a lot more in my head. But the source of all the heavy weight was him. The guy who held on to my heart only to drop and step on it later.

I have had countless sleepless nights of crying. But that night, it was really the first time that I felt so alone.

In the middle of all the crying, I remembered the Holy Spirit and how I felt so embarrassed to have forgotten all about God.

Lord, I don’t know where to end and begin. If I were to end, I’m afraid of what my future will hold. If I were to begin, I don’t know how to get back up. In the midst of everything, I didn’t expect any of this to happen to me. I don’t know how to read my Bible anymore. I don’t know how to humble myself before You. God, I don’t know where to go.

In the silence, I heard the Spirit tell me, “You already know how.”

The ribbon bookmark on my Bible was set in 1 Peter. My eyes flew to chapter 5:10. After all the suffering. After all the pain — He will restore me. He will make me strong and firm. He will make me steadfast. His grace will sustain me every single day.

And then I started to cry again. Because I realized — I finally realized — that I have sought comfort in the wrong person. In all the wrong places.

Then I remembered John 15:2. “Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away”

I wasn’t bearing fruit. I wasn’t bearing fruit when I was with him. He only pulled me down whenever he ignored me. He only made me feel guilty and never enough whenever we argued about the friends he chose over me.

So I thought, yeah, so he wasn’t the one who was supposed to lift up my spirits. So what? I asked God to just take the pain away. I asked him why He had to make me feel all that brokenness as if I was punched so hard in the stomach.

Then I read the next line, “and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit.”

And I cried again. God is pruning me. Squeezing every part of me so that I can be whole and find myself again.

I kept reading and it said “As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. Now remain in my love.” Too many times I have heard that Jesus died on the cross to save us from our sins and because He loves us. When we hear things way too many times, we lose the real meaning of it. We lose the real sense of every word. But in this moment of brokenness, those words gave me fresh eyes. God sacrificed His one and only Son to die for me. To save me from the failures that I made. Instead of Him letting me be condemned, crucified and hurt because of those nails, He gave His Son. It’s the most precious gift.It’s the most wonderful gift I don’t and will never deserve. But He did it. Jesus died on that cross for me. All because He loves me.

I was already feeling better as I drowned myself in His Word. Then I continued to read until the very end of the chapter. And it said, “Love each other.”

But how can that be? How can I love someone as he? He broke my heart, God. He made me cry for so long. He left me, God. Why on earth will I love him?

And there it was. God reminded me once again. “How many times have you forgotten to love me? How many times have you forgotten to abide in my love?”

“It was only one time. This was the only time that a guy broke your heart. But how many times have you broken Mine?”

There were so many things I sacrificed because of one guy. So many things I have forgotten because of misguided love. I have never felt so humiliated before God.

In the time that I sat there, I began to see God’s hand that had always been trying to reach out to me. I never saw it before because I was too proud to admit that I was wrong to turn away from Him. The relationship I had wasn’t honoring Him. It definitely wasn’t making Him happy.

But it’s truly amazing that God never ceases to love me despite my hard head and thorny heart. Throughout the time I had been reading John 15, it was like God was taking out my heart and showing me all the thorns that had been suffocating it — my pride, my insecurities, my selfishness. It wasn’t easy being corrected, but I deserved it.

It has been a month since that night I cried and after that powerful encounter with God, I was able to sleep soundly. When I woke up the next morning, grace filled me once again and I was ready to face the day without a heavy heart.

It has been very difficult to write this story because I wasn’t sure if I was ready to even say it. But in the end, it’s always going to be Him who saves us. It’s always going to be Him who will love us unconditionally. It’s always going to be Him who will be with us until the very end. It’s only in the name of Jesus that brings healing.

For He is the Mighty Warrior that saves. And in His love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing. (Zephaniah 3:17)