The Honesty We (used to) Hate
I hated it at first.
Honesty is not always an expected good deed — but it’s a voice gifted to us to know what’s truth. People naturally craving for truth, to know every particular object yet scared to speak the truth. And how is that even possible is we live in a world surrounded by expectations, functionalistic mind, and a utopia of a perfect performance since the world is both humor and tragedy. Things must be good, at least — or otherwise you’re dead.
People expectations brought you down, but a lie itself — led us to a substantial question: “What have you prepared (for the worst)?”. Surely there’s some things you can control, some others don’t. We can’t control the expectations but we control ourselves.
I used to think that being brutally honest is one of the most powerful weapon to destroy your life — or in this conservative context: a relationship. We presenting ourselves at every damn time and what we present is something that hopefully — will bring us from here to a certain point. Maybe you’re a student presenting your group project. Maybe you’re a university graduate presenting in applying for a job. Maybe you’re in a first date presenting your very best self, covering your weird habits, brutal truth, that maybe — eventually might showed up only God knows when.
Relationship is difficult — or sometimes it’s quite difficult. And sometimes it’s difficult to manage what’s truth and tell the truth: why we tell lies to ourselves, to others, and what is the fear of self-disclosure. Dealing with this issue for years, it’s weird for me to be honest, honestly. It’s a sin of a hypocrite — you could say. But in the other hand I haven’t found any reference from people around me — speaking about truth because for them, it’s nothing to be proud of. But for me, the value of honesty and humility in a relationship never been more valuable than before.
The first thing is: Affection for me, it’s a personal matter. It’s not a fucking love, it’s not a need but it’s a basic instinct and it’s a genuine action. Nonetheless, affection today (in my campus, I see, to be pitied) has encounter a degradation of value. I keep asking myself why such people wants to bought such snack and a little message on a sticky note then they gave it to a lot of people they barely know what’s inside their heart, what they want, what they need? Affection is a business — well, for them. The value goes from honesty to the worth of every penny you spend and the ‘templated’ word you put on that notes. And the worst possibilities of hypocrite are, people do that with the force of society. The power of them who taking advantage of their own definition of “affection” with the package of snack and a sticky note, the power of Instagram stories, and the power of “local-college-life-cuteness”.
Do I’ve been brutally honest? Yes, you could say that.
Nonetheless, my stupid thought of affection is a matter of a feeling that lasts for years. These past three years for me had been rough but within I realized what I’ve been doing for him back in those days was the most honest side of myself as a nonverbal action. My own valued-kind-of-truth took me three years to come out. I clearly understand that it’s hard for people in young age for being honest with their feelings or giving certainty to the people you love — I’ve been there before. We’re full of doubt, worrying any possibilities of their reaction or your relationship forward. But when you know what’s true, you can assure your feeling, even when you’re using your logic (which is rare and hard) then tell them the truth. Tell them instead of hurting yourself by lying to yourself. Remind that the value of truth comes from experience.
And how you deal with regrets is — although you won’t see it as a regrets then. You tell them the truth once, but actually — it’s not. You’ll realize that it was easier for being honest because you’re not limiting yourself afterwards. They know what’s truth, you know what’s truth and there’s nothing to cover up. There’s nothing to change about your feeling also — and I’m grateful for that. You will be grateful for that.
Hence, the problem we face about truth, honesty, and humility is we live as people care about every seconds, inches, details of the world we live. People’s expectation turns into your expectations. Do you ever think how much shit we do on our daily basis that we hate? That’s harsh — but maybe, don’t like? For me, the world is a system of a cash-flow. A business where people moved by motivation, expectation, and dream comes from whoever that is — internalized to our mind without knowing the storm outside the wall. People lives in fear that we might see it as a functionalist structure or how they might want to see it. But well — it’s just ourselves in a certain point.
