Fight or flight happens when least expected
Is Trader Joe’s hiring?
I started a new job as a high school counselor on August 1.
I’m not new to education. I’ve been at this gig for 25 years, but when you start a new endeavor there is always a learning curve. It’s to be expected.
I had five days of new teacher institute training in the district, followed by five days of training at my new school. Two days before school started, I was in a session and my breath became shallow. My heart rate sped up, and I suddenly wanted to get out of the room.
I focused on one breath at a time, no longer having any idea what was being said by the presenters.
When the session was over, I walked out of the room much calmer. I headed out of the building to meet my son and daughter for lunch, and as I drove out of the parking lot my thoughts were as such:
I wonder if Trader Joe’s is hiring. I love Trader Joe’s. I could easily work there. I love the vibe. But what am I thinking? I can’t just walk out on my new job. I need the insurance, and I know there’s a learning curve and I like working with high school students. Can I really do this job? How easy would it be to drive away and not come back?
Full blown fight or flight.
And I was ready to flap my wings.
Why did it happen?
I’m honestly not surprised by my panic attack. I’m 50-years-old and getting outside of my comfort zone for the first time in 25 years. Yes, I’m still in education, but there is a tremendous amount to learn in this new role.
What surprised me is when it happened. It was in the middle of an informational session about what was going on for students and I would be on the periphery. I didn’t have nearly the responsibilities teachers did.
There was no reason for it to happen at that particular time. I couldn’t have predicted it.
Or could have I?
It’s the things you least expect that hit you the hardest.
Over time I’ve pondered whether I could have predicted what happened. I’m still not sure of the answer.
While I haven’t had more episodes like that one, there are days I come home wondering if I can really do this job in the manner that the students on my caseload and my school deserve.
I get home and I’m mentally exhausted.
There are some days I come home feeling on top of the world. Everything clicks and I feel as if I’m getting the hang of my new job.
Then there are days I come home completely humbled and overwhelmed. Everything seems important and an emergency. I don’t know where to start. It’s like waves crash into me one after another. Just as I stagger back to my feet, another one knocks me down.
I kind of wonder if I want to keep fighting, keep getting back up. Sometimes I want to surrender, wave the white flag, and say “no more.”
And it’s at those times that my body succumbs to the stress, and I get sick. That’s the signal it’s time to take a sick day, just as much for my mental well-being as it is for my physical well-being. So, I did exactly that.
While I felt a bit of guilt for taking a day when I’ve only been at my job for a month, I know when it’s time and it was time. I spent the day sleeping, reading, watching Gilmore Girls (again), and pondering my next steps.
I’m honestly not sure what those next steps will be. While well-intentioned loved ones remind me that we are all new at our jobs at some point and it will get better, I have two little words that keep gnawing at me, “Will it?”
You see, I’ve been new at jobs before and this is the first time I’ve felt this way. Ever. And I don’t like the feeling. I don’t like feeling unsure, overwhelmed, straight up unhappy.
Even though I work with amazing colleagues who keep reassuring me and patiently answer all of my questions, it doesn’t feel like it’s enough.
There’s a bit of a tug on my sleeve that still wonders…
Is Trader Joe’s hiring?
Thanks for reading this piece! I’m a high school counselor by day and a writer 24/7. I write about everyday experiences with a positive twist (most of the time), because that’s how I roll. But sometimes, it’s not all rainbows and unicorns, and that’s okay too.
