Alexainie, I so resonate with your story and send you my deepest sympathies. My father and I also had a tumultuous relationship causing me to spend most of my life catering to him in hopes that one day he would be the father I wanted and needed and that he would finally appreciate and love me in a way I could understand. I walked away from him in 2003 — a choice that was necessary for my survival and I do not regret it, but I do regret that estrangement was my only choice. He pushed away everyone sooner or later. He died alone, truly alone. I’ve accepted that in some bizarre fashion that was his choice, conscious or not.
I celebrate that you discovered Medium and it provides the outlet for your healing. I celebrate that you and your dad reconnected. I celebrate that you shared this story and those before. I celebrate that you are able to celebrate him.
Blessings to you and your family as you hold one another in your grief and as you adapt to the loss of a man who was, in all his glorious mess, a big part of your lives.