The Alt-Bowl Preview: Could the Electoral College beat Alabama in the Peach Bowl?
Everything you need to know about the 2016–17 College Football Post-season, post-truth edition.
Every bowl game has a story.
If you believe the mainstream media’s version, it’s usually some version of a powerful offense against a tough D or an underdog against an overwhelming favorite. But that’s just an old narrative that they want you to believe.
Think about it: The Electoral College has now toppled the formidable and always heavily favored American People twice this century, and it just handed the Big Trophy to an Orangeman with no known connection to Syracuse (FACT). And Western Michigan is in the Cotton Bowl. You think the Establishment likes it this way? No way, football fans. That’s because the Establishment is afraid of the truth (FACT).
Read on for the real facts on every game this post-season. And if you don’t believe our version, ask yourself: Why would we lie to you?
Gildan New Mexico Bowl, Albuquerque, 12/17. Texas-San Antonio (6-6) vs New Mexico (8-4) FACT: People are saying that these universities played key roles in 1975’s attempted assassination of Gerald Ford. We are not saying that, however.
Las Vegas Bowl presented by Geico, 12/17. San Diego State (10-3) vs Houston (9-3) FACT: This matchup appeared in Hillary Clinton’s emails from 2011, so what does that tell you?
Raycom Media Camellia Bowl, Montgomery AL, 12/17. Appalachian State (9-3) vs Toledo (9-3) FACT: Both teams are nicknamed the Bruins. Interesting.
AutoNation Cure Bowl, Orlando, 12/17. UCF (6-6) vs Arkansas State (7-5) FACT: This game will receive low ratings. Sad!
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl, 12/17. Louisiana-Lafayette (6-6) vs Southern Mississippi (6-6) FACT: If each bowl game were a state, the New Orleans Bowl would have the same amount of electoral votes as Guam.
Miami Beach Bowl, 12/19. Tulsa (9-3) vs Central Michigan (6-6) FACT: Central Michigan, such a nasty team, cheated to beat Oklahoma State. Instead of vacationing in Miami in December, they should be locked up.
Boca Raton Bowl, 12/20. Western Kentucky (10-3) vs Memphis (8-4) FACT: John Podesta tried to shut down both of these schools.
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl, 12/21. BYU (8-4) vs Wyoming (8-5) FACT: The combined records of these teams is 16–9, the exact Electoral College vote totals of Georgia and Alabama respectively, a shocking non-Poinsettia Bowl-related coincidence that proves something to Glenn Beck.
Famous Idaho Potato Bowl, Boise, 12/22. Idaho (8-4) vs Colorado State (7-5) FACT: No one has more respect for Idaho than I do. No one.
Popeyes Bahamas Bowl, Nassau, 12/23. Old Dominion (9-3) vs Eastern Michigan (7-5) FACT: If this is America’s idea of a good export in 2016, Obama should be impeached. Before January.
Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl, Fort Worth, 12/23. Navy (9–4) vs Louisiana Tech (8-5) FACT: How ever it came to pass that Navy lost four games is John McCain’s fault. Our Navy should never lose to anyone.
Dollar General Bowl, Mobile AL, 12/23. Ohio (8-5) vs Troy (9–3) FACT: A bowl game sponsored by a discount retailer between two discount teams: America deserves better!
Hawaii Bowl, Honolulu, 12/24. Middle Tennessee (8-4) vs Hawaii (6-7) FACT: Hawaii = Kenya.
St. Petersburg Bowl, Florida, 12/26. Miami (OH) (6-6) vs Mississippi State (5-7) FACT: Nancy Pelosi’s fault.
Quick Lane Bowl, Detroit, 12/26. Boston College (6-6) vs Maryland (6-6) FACT: Two crappy Blue State teams playing in Red State Michigan because Republicans bailed out the auto industry, according to sources. They deserve each other.
Camping World Independence Bowl, Shreveport LA, 12/26. Vanderbilt (6-6) vs NC State (6-6) FACT: Joe Biden owed a favor to one of Bill Clinton’s business cronies and that’s why Al Gore and Elizabeth Warren conspired to make a game only the millennial Socialists who love Bernie Sanders could care about.
Zaxby’s Heart of Dallas Bowl, Dallas, 12/27. North Texas (5-7) vs Army (6-6) FACT: The Mean Green vs. the Black Knights? It’s time we moved beyond identity politics!
Military Bowl presented by Northrop Grumman, Annapolis, 12/27. Temple (10-3) vs Wake Forest (6-6) FACT: NATO should pay its freight on the Military Bowl. Why does Northrop Grumman have to foot the bill when we’re the only reason Latvia and Lithuania are safe?
National Funding Holiday Bowl, San Diego, 12/27. Minnesota (8-4) vs Washington State (8-4) FACT: Washington State is a community college — they shouldn’t even be eligible to play in this game.
Motel 6 Cactus Bowl, Phoenix, 12/27. Boise State (10-2) vs Baylor (6-6) FACT: The press really should look into Boise State. Just sayin’.
New Era Pinstripe Bowl, New York City, 12/28. Pitt (8-4) vs Northwestern (6-6) FACT: If Northwestern had been really trying against Western Michigan and Illinois St., they would have won those games, and their losses against Ohio St. and Wisconsin shouldn’t even count (rigged), so they could’ve been 10–2 or probably 11–1, and Pitt beat Clemson and lost to three teams who should’ve been on probation, so this is the @Real #National Championship Game (which should be in New York every year anyway).
Russell Athletic Bowl, Orlando, 12/28. West Virginia (10-2) vs. Miami (FL) (8-4) FACT: Russell Athletic makes women’s pantsuits. Time for a boycott.
Foster Farms Bowl, Santa Clara CA, 12/28. Utah (8-4) vs. Indiana (6-6) FACT: WikiLeaks says this game is Step 7 on Barbara Boxer’s 11-step course to total Silicon Valley Satanism. Or Stalinism. Not sure which — need more intel.
AdvoCare V100Texas Bowl, Houston, 12/28. Texas A&M (8-4) vs. Kansas State (8-4) FACT: George Soros has something to to with this one. Google it.
Birmingham Bowl, Alabama, 12/29. South Carolina (6-6) vs South Florida (10-2) FACT: Named after Birmingham in England because of Brexit somehow, which should’ve been the hint Thomas Friedman needed to see this whole thing coming.
Belk Bowl, Charlotte, 12/29. Virginia Tech (9-4) vs Arkansas (7-5) FACT: The winning coach will be named Secretary of Defense. That will make it more fun to watch!
Valero Alamo Bowl, San Antonio, 12/29. Colorado (10-3) vs Oklahoma State (9-3) FACT: Each year, ESPN allows Putin to pick the opponents for one bowl game. He really wanted to see Colorado’s resurgent program renew its Big XII rivalry with underrated Oklahoma State, and so do we!
Nova Home Loans Arizona Bowl, Tucson, 12/30. South Alabama (6-6) vs. Air Force (9-3) FACT: Why do our fighting men always have to take care of messes like this? The French should have to play South Alabama, and they should have to pay for it too.
AutoZone Liberty Bowl, Memphis, 12/30. Georgia (7-5) vs TCU (6-6) FACT: “Bulldogs” and “Horned Frogs” rhyme with al-most every possible anagram of “Barack Obama.” Think about it. (Also: Coastal elites love anagrams. #NPR)
Hyundai Sun Bowl, El Paso TX, 12/30. Stanford (9-3) vs. North Carolina (8-4) FACT: No one else knows this, but neither of these schools have football teams.
Franklin American Music City Bowl, Nashville, 12/30. Tennessee (8-4) vs. Nebraska (9-3) FACT: There is not a single Mexican football team that could compete with either of these programs. Why aren’t more people talking about that?
Orange Bowl, Miami, 12/30. Michigan (102) vs Florida State (9-3) FACT: The political correctness has to stop. The Wolverines had to change from being named after an animal to being named after Hugh Jackman. That’s not right.
Buffalo Wild Wings Citrus Bowl, Orlando, 12/31. Louisville (9-3) vs. LSU (7-4) FACT: How will you really know that the red-and-black team is Louisville and the yellow-and-purple team is LSU? The players could have just swapped uniforms, and if the mainstream media announcers don’t tell you, you’ll have no way of knowing. Think for yourselves, people!
Outback Bowl, Tampa, 1/2. Florida (8-4) vs. Iowa (8-4) FACT: An American steakhouse pretending to be Australian? Someone should go to jail. Will look into it.
Goodyear Cotton Bowl Classic, Arlington TX, 1/2. Western Michigan (13-0) vs Wisconsin (10-3) FACT: Interesting fluke of American geography: There is no western portion of Michigan. You can go ahead and retweet that.
Allstate Sugar Bowl, New Orleans, 1/2. Auburn (8-4) vs. Oklahoma (8-2) FACT: Low energy.
Rose Bowl presented by Northwestern Mutual, Pasadena, 1/2. Penn State (11-2) vs. USC (9-3) FACT: Everything that’s right about America.
Chik-Fil-A Peach Bowl, Atlanta, 12/31. Alabama (13–0) vs. Washington (12–1) FACT: Nate Silver says Alabama has a 64% chance of beating Washington. Good news for the Huskies.
PlayStation Fiesta Bowl, Glendale AZ, 12/31. Clemson (12-1) vs. Ohio State (11-1) FACT: There will be more people at this game than voted for Hillary Clinton.