As a kid, I didn’t poo much. Honestly, I would go once every 3 or 4 days. Yeah I know, pretty unhealthy. But I mean, I didn’t hold it in for 3 days before letting it out; I just never had that urge to go. My diet wasn’t the greatest, which is probably the main reason for my infrequent acts of taking a dump. I didn’t eat many veggies nor did I drink much water. My mom used to scold me for not finishing my bottle of water at school. I eventually started lying and said I refilled it before coming back home. It’s odd because I don’t even go straight home after school; I would go to my babysitter’s home for 3 hours before returning home, and yet it didn’t occur to me to finish drinking my water there so my mom wouldn’t get mad. But looking back, geez… I couldn’t finish 400ml of water during the school day?! 400ml. I can easily drink that in one sitting if I wanted to. Especially after playing sports, that amount of water wouldn’t even be enough to hydrate me.

I thought I could be clever and start pouring my water down the toilet, and it worked… well until I forgot to do it one time. I came home and realized I didn’t dump my water that day so I rushed into the washroom to pour it out. My mom caught me and she beat me for it. Yeah, she beat me for trying to pour out water. Well after that incident I stopped pouring my water out, but that didn’t fix my issue. I still continued to wait 3 to 4 days before going poop. Did I emphasize the fact that it was THREE to FOUR days?

Oh and it wasn’t a smooth, graceful poop that slid right out of my anus. No no. A more accurate representation would be like a dragon that got fat before hibernation, and is now trying to force and squirm its way out of the cave after being awoken. Do you understand the feeling I’m talking about? If not, well here’s an analogy with the dragon: the dragon is going to get tired after trying to force its way out, so it takes a break. Then suddenly, it gets a short burst of energy and urge to try again before taking another break. You get what I’m saying now?? Oh yeah, and the absolute worst part was when I finally force a bit out, but then suddenly my rectum thinks it’s a straw and sucks the poop back in, wasting all my effort. That, my friends, is called Prairie Dogging.

Okay so I basically said I was constipated; I was trying to use an analogy to avoid disgusting all of you what that term, but clearly I failed to properly illustrate it, GEEZ.

It was actually brutal, not because of the pain from forcing the crap out, but because of how long it took. Looking back, I think I averaged 1.5 hours on the toilet just sitting, waiting for the sudden burst of energy to attempt a hadouken out of my ass (excuse my language but that’s the only word I could use with Ryu’s move to sound cool). I always came prepared to the washroom: brought both my Gameboy and my towel. What’s the towel for? Well I would fold it and place it behind my back so I could lean on it and take a nap. Yeah, that’s right: nap. I realized that there were many times where I just sat on the toilet for so long that I would start dozing off. Since I was gonna doze off anyway, might as well make myself comfortable while doing it. This went on for most of my elementary school days.

For a more visual illustration of the hadouken, refer to these clips from South Park:

My mom eventually got fed up with these unhealthy habits and said:

We gotta get you to a doctor

Well, by doctor I guess she took me to an acupuncturist. I remember stepping into the “office”, which was just his home, and seeing a bunch of other people waiting for their appointment too. When it was my turn, oh gosh how I was so nervous. I didn’t know what to expect; I thought he was just going to do a body check or something. I had no idea what an acupuncturist did at the time. When I found out he was gonna poke me in the stomach with needles, I tensed up my whole body. PSA: DO NOT TENSE UP DURING ACUPUNCTURE. IT WILL CAUSE PAIN, IF NOT MORE PAIN. I go back outside and start complaining how painful it was because it was at my stomach area, and all I hear are responses from everyone saying how the stomach is the least painful part or how it shouldn’t even cause pain at all. They told me to relax next time because tensing up is the main cause of it. I started coming back weekly and slowly got used to it, though I could never fully relax so there was always a bit of pain.

I forgot to mention how vividly I remember the cost of each visit: $20, which isn’t a lot at all for an acupuncture appointment. BUT IN HINDSIGHT, everyone be humoured by this: I WAS PAYING (okay my mom was paying but y’know) $20 EACH VISIT TO HAVE A DUDE POKE NEEDLES AT MY STOMACH TO SEND SIGNALS TO MY INTESTINES TELLING THEM TO RELAX AND EXCRETE THE WASTE IT WAS CONTAINING… TO TELL… MY INTESTINES… TO STOP… BEING AN IDIOT. Ain’t that silly? To go through all this trouble to help me release my fecal matter more often. To tell you the truth, it didn’t help all that much, so we eventually stopped going.

Now fast forward a bit where I suddenly had this magical mental conversion to start drinking more water. Yes, my stool became more frequent but I had another problem: I refused to have my bum cheeks touch any other toilet seat other than the one at home. School? Nah. Mall? No. Community Centre? Nope. Not even at someone else’s home? Na-da. One time in highschool I had a nasty stomachache during class. I live right across the school so I told my teacher (it was a sub that day) I had to use the washroom and ran home to do my business asap (came back in about 15 min because I was constantly trying to force it all out). Luckily, I haven’t been in any other situation where I wasn’t able to hold it in until I got home. During vacations I would be in hotels where I knew those washrooms were sanitized frequently so I had no issue trusting those. So boiling this down, I probably just had sanitation trust issues of public washrooms. Even to this day, I still refuse to drop loads at public places unless I really, really have to go (like this one time at the airport where I almost missed my flight because I was busy exorcising a fecal demon out of my soul).

After entering University, I started drinking coffee. My goodness, this stuff works better than laxatives (oh yeah, a doctor prescribed me laxatives during my early highschool days to aid my ‘problem’. So yes, I know the effects of laxatives). I drank a cup in the morning before class and felt the effects almost immediately. I had class from 8:30 to 4:30 with only an hour lunch and only ten minutes in-between classes. There was no way I could make any time to set up my tent and camp out on the toilet. So, I waited until class finished. I basically held it in for eight hours each day I drank coffee (which was quite frequent since I needed it to stay awake) and eventually developed this new-found ability to hold in my waste until I reached the designated landfill, my res toilet. This eventually translated to my time at the office when I worked….. until I realized taking a poop was a great ‘excuse’ for a break. So please be proud of my milestone of being able to use semi-public washrooms.

I’ve jumped around, and parts are probably still confusing. I apologize for all the grammar mistakes I might’ve made, but I really wanted to just churn this post out since I haven’t done one in a while.

To sum it all up, where am I now? I am able to charm-an upside-down-brown-snake in the office, fumigate my friends’ washrooms, and have a few Hershey squirts in the nice washrooms at school (s/o to the washrooms at QNC). My policy is still to keep it one poop a day, if not less. Pooping takes time. I can now average maybe 12 minutes each trip. I wipe as long, if not longer than my actual boom-booming. Feel like taking a dump before I go to sleep? Nah, I’m waiting till tomorrow; I already checked off that item in my checklist for the day. Yeah it’s unhealthy, so I’m still working on that. Grant me patience please.

Quick note. I used to think I had a gifted body. Because I didn’t feel like I needed to poo. I thought I must’ve had no waste to dispose, which meant I absorbed everything and was a beast. IDK, science says otherwise so yeah. I’m surprised I didn’t get colon cancer or anything when I was younger. For those who poo regularly, your colon must be thanking you. I am proud of you.

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