Tired


“The very center of your heart is where life begins — the most beautiful place on earth.” ~Rumi

I’m scared of what I’ll find at my core — my heart. It’s something I have been running from for as long as I can remember because I was scared of what I’d find.

Living life compensating for the lack of love you have for yourself by loving others can’t last forever. I can feel it in my body… it’s tired. It feels like it’s shutting down and giving up on me. On my good days, there is a glimpse of hope that I will be okay. The dark days… they wish I could die. I can’t tell you how many times the thought “I’d rather be dead than gay” has gone through my head in my lifetime.

Most of my life I ran away from the word ‘gay’. It was evil, disgraceful, and about the worst thing you could call someone if you wanted to degrade them. My past has left an imprint on me that I don’t know if I will ever be free from.

I want to be free of my past.

I don’t want to be scared of who I am.

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