Not the Best Day Ever

Oh, Saturday, you were the worst and giving myself a choice

We were walking back to our house after a tiff while seeing a band. The fight started over one of my jokes gone wrong and kept going because that’s what happens when two people are married. So, I spent the walk home looking at the river and thinking about jumping in. I wondered if I would be able to swim back to the banks if I jumped in or if the current was so strong that I would just be swept over the falls. It wasn’t because of the fight, the fight was just an excuse to dwell on my death fantasies and my emotional pyramid of inadequacies.

Because I’m feeling a little better, these thoughts really scared me. They terrified me actually, with the full force of the word.

When we got home I got even more agitated. MG went to bed and then I really started losing my mind because the river is only a block away from my house, and the falls are less than a mile downstream. After about an hour, I tried to wake MG but he was dead to the world. I sent a text to a close friend who was also sleeping by this point. I tried to distract myself and saw that a close friend on the west coast had just been on Facebook. We talked on the phone. I must have sounded terrible because she offered to call an ambulance for me.

Please appreciate that I grew up in the 80's and that going to the hospital for a mental health issue was highly stigmatized and, in my mind at least, remains so. Instead my friend generously gave of herself and talked me down. I will be forever grateful.

I have an intake appointment for tomorrow morning. It’s with a group of mental health researchers and am hoping that they will place me in an intensive outpatient program. I feel like something drastic has to happen if I want to get well enough to begin recovery.

Something I did not notice at the time, that I realized while I was writing this…at the river, I was giving myself a choice. I was considering the possibility that I could change my mind and swim to shore. That’s big. It’s been a while since I could see the possibility of that desire for self-preservation.

I can get through this.

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