So Tired I Might Sleep
One of the things that makes many depressed people depressed is endless self-criticism. This is 100% true for me. Every little screw up, every little failure has to be examined and re-examined and examined again after that. I have used the language of self-improvement to make it look like I am doing something other than drilling holes into my skull. “I just want to learn from my mistakes so I can be my best self.” It sounds so innocuous, so self-helpy, so Oprah.
It makes me tired. Everything becomes a herculean task so I am exerting more and more energy to accomplish less and less. I become paralyzed and can’t get anything done because if I do something I could do it wrong. Apparently if I do something wrong the world will implode. And I intellectually know I am being ridiculous and I know what advice I would give a loved one so then I criticize myself for criticizing myself, right? Like, “why can’t you just be kind to yourself?” Self-care becomes one more thing I am failing at in the course of the day.
I am really struggling to keep my head above water right now. I’ve got a slew of shitty health problems going on. I have to have surgery and I am scared about it. I am scared for my physical safety but I am also scared about losing control under the anesthesia. What if I say something hurtful? What if I say something stupid? What if I reveal how angry I am about my life?
I am tired from working hard and being broke. I am tired from being dependable. I really, really just want to be taken care of for a few hours and I can’t afford a spa day or even a pedicure and I am mad, so so mad, that nobody in my life knows how to take care of me.
All I want anymore is to run away. Move to Mexico and learn a new language, a new life so I am not so goddamn bored by breathing.
I worry that I will never be well. I worry that I will just break one day under the weight of my depression. It will finally be too much for me and because all I’ve ever heard my whole goddamn life is how strong I am, I won’t know how to tap out. I’ll kill myself or someone else. Become catatonic. Slip into a coma. Literally be paralyzed with rage. People will see what is inside me and I can’t decide if that is would be terrifying or freeing.