Desperate to Change Tired Old Leadership, House Democrats Reelect Same Tired Old Leadership

Nancy Pelosi to the rebels: “you funna kill me, blood, you better fucking do it.”

Ending weeks of speculation that they had the votes to do something about it, holdouts within the Democratic caucus of the House of Representatives Tuesday were forced to lie down like the filthy, despicable dogs that they are, rolling over for the leadership that they railed against and begging relentlessly before their master, Nancy Pelosi. It was quite a show.

After the smoke cleared and the whining stopped, Pelosi emerged unopposed as the apparent Speaker of the House, with Hoyer and Clyburn filling the majority leader and majority whip roles respectively. That means that after months of Democratic candidates basing entire campaigns on challenging leadership, they failed to flip a single office. They didn’t get a token sympathy appointment. They didn’t even get the rule concessions they were after.

Some Trump-level spiciness right here

By all measures, it was a disappointing effort by young Congressmen and women, eager to update leadership and make the party more appealing to a voting public that is increasingly growing younger and more diverse. “We wanted to do the politically expedient thing, but ultimately, we came up short,” said a spokesperson for the 16 representatives who signed a letter that vowed to oppose Pelosi. “We wanted to show the world that we were capable of putting aside our allegiance to the people and ideals that have defined our values for a generation for the simple reason that the other side says mean things about them. In the end, we lacked the political conviction to betray our political convictions.”

President Trump reportedly called to congratulate Representative Pelosi and issued a statement saying that he looks forward to routinely trashing the future Speaker with lies, mischaracterizations and a healthy amount of misogyny. Behind the scenes, though, administration officials admit that the selection of Pelosi is a disappointing blow for a President already struggling to produce original content on Twitter. “You can only demonize someone so much before everyone gets bored,” said a White House aide. “He’s been practicing nicknames all week. Cheri Bustos Bustos-Ghali, Special Needs Joe Kennedy — do you have any idea what kind of milage he could get out of an opposition Speaker named Marcia Fudge?”

If there is a silver lining to the story of Democrats returning to their old leadership in the House, however, it could be that the hatred of Pelosi is a unifying moment for a country ripped apart by a bitter midterm fight. “Republicans hate her and so do I for some reason,” said an Iowa voter after news of the selection broke.

“Sure, she’s a prolific fundraiser,” said another. “She’s been a stalwart for the Democratic party for decades, and she’s statistically one of the most effective Speakers in history in terms of passing legislation and maintaining control of her caucus. But she’s so polarizing. Is that really what we need right now? Wouldn’t it be better to have someone who is more tolerable to Republicans? Isn’t the good-faith effort of finding common ground with our Republican friends worth raising less money, having less of a moral compass and in-general being less effective?”

“I agree completely,” said her Republican husband with a sigh. “I’m over Nancy Pelosi. I’ve fully reached the limits of my hatred for her and now that hatred has turned to a dull ache that I can’t really do anything with. I was so much looking forward to having some new blood in there and to the challenge of teaching my stupid wife how to hate that person.”