Having and Being Enough
When we talk about having enough, we are very often referring to our financial situation, and adjacently, our possessions. Sometimes the resource of time is where we experience scarcity, and sometimes the sense of lack comes from a wish to acquire knowledge or experiences that we believe would contribute to our overall sense of competence or “enoughness.”
Maybe you’re a new mom who is worried about producing milk for your baby or concerned about bonding well while using a bottle. Maybe you’re a new dad trying to figure out what to do with a baby because you don’t have any experience seeing men bond with babies; you’re wondering if you can love your child enough. Do you question whether you spend enough time with your children or your partner, and then wonder how to even consider what “enough” means when it comes to time for yourself?
Does the thought of balancing work, kids’ activities, your teen’s after-school job, your aging parent’s medical appointments and care, and connected conversation and (gasp!) sex with your partner…not to mention trying to Zoom with friends and remember to send your sister a birthday card make you so tired you just want to hide in a corner with a blanket over your head? Yeah, me, too. And, yet, so many of us are moving furiously on the web of activities and obligations hoping desperately not to fall through one of the holes while reaching for the next thread that we fail to appreciate what we have and are right now.
In these days of cultural, political and personal upheaval, resources like time, money, and connection can feel so scarce that we wonder how to ever feel like we can take a full, deep breath or stop and rest. We may feel a push to stay on top of the news, work as many hours as possible so we can keep money flowing in to forestall the next crisis, and still feel guilty that we’re not doing enough. Frantic feelings keep us perpetually chasing the feeling of enough, until we choose to stop and say: “Enough!”
When our minds are convinced that there is no end to the scarcity, we can drive ourselves to physical and mental breakdown trying to fill a leaky bucket with a teaspoon. Changing the perception of scarcity isn’t an easy task, especially in a world that sell you on the notion that “enough” will happen just after the next purchase, the next vacation, the next diet, the next certification, the next award…and on and on. The antidote to this is to retrain ourselves to know what is enough.
In practice, this looks like stopping the frantic hustle, sitting still, and becoming aware of what we have and are in the present moment. It looks like counting our blessings or listing what we’re grateful for in a journal or reminding ourselves that in this moment all our needs are met (if, indeed, they are). And, when the bills need to be paid, and the baby is crying, and the work emails keep coming in…return to the present moment. Breathe. Breathe again. Remind yourself that not everything that is urgent is important and not everything that is important is urgent. In fact, I have found that most of the activities and relationships that I consider important actually mean more when I approach them without frantic urgency.
Of course, if your house is on fire, it is equally urgent and important for you to take action to put it out or leave! If someone is injured, the same urgent and important criteria apply. You can make your own list of those situations that require immediate and focused action, but I think you’ll find that the list is far shorter than you imagined.
One of the benefits of great upheaval in the fabric of our days is the opportunity to re-evaluate the priorities we hold dear. Learning to shift from scarcity-thinking is part of this priority alignment. Who do you want to be? What do you want to model for your children? What small adjustments today might have a large ripple effect over time? Most importantly, know that you can choose to focus on what makes you feel peaceful, easy, and full of the sense of “This is enough.”
