To Love a Complex Woman

Desher Hyland
Nov 2 · 6 min read

We’ve all heard jokes about women who don’t know what they want or whose wishes or desires are in opposition to one another. I can’t speak to that. I came here to talk about loving a complex woman.

(Since I am talking about my complex woman, references to myself are male and to her, female. Your experiences may be different, so substitute pronouns at will or just listen to the heart of one person who loves another’s complexity.)

A complex woman is one who has intricacies that seem contradictory to a lazy or uninformed observer, but require a man who knows and loves her enough to see them, understand them, enjoy them, and most certainly, appreciate them.

For example, take this statement:

I’ll want you to listen to my problems, yet not fix them.

She wants to be heard, seen and understood. She wants a safe place to vent. She wants subtle reassurance that you still care by the determination she sees in your eyes as she tells her story. She wants to know a problem with someone else still provokes a quick rise in protective anger before you regain your composure because, of course, she can handle it herself. She wants you to be on her side, but she wants it authentically so she can respect you. She doesn’t want you to do anything about it (unless she asks you to), but she does want the strength of your solidarity with her.

With a complex woman, there are layers upon layers of thought and ethos and identity. To love her is to learn the layers and understand how deep they go, to internalize them, to grasp them intuitively.

This was a simple statement, but how about something more complicated:

I’ll be Ms. Fix-It, but want you to change my oil.

She is smart. Capable! And she can hang drywall or replace a garbage disposal just as well as you can. She wants you to know that. But she sure wants to be taken care of by her man.

Yet, it goes deeper and more subtle.

She wants to be seen on such a level that you instinctively know which thing she wants to handle herself and which thing she wants you to just take care of. But more than that, be aware of the current context of life and the pressure of whatever situation she is in, as that can shift the ratio of what she chooses to handle and what she’d like you to manage. But it is even deeper.

The whole statement isn’t about taking care of things. Not really. It is about demonstrating love. She is saying that this is her love language: “I will feel loved if you take care of these things for me, and if you know what those things are with where life has me.”

I’ll look at you in utter adoration, but will clean the crust out of your ears.

I know, at first this seems simple. A woman wants her man to look presentable when he goes out, as he is a reflection of her. Eh, sorta.

This is about her joyfully accepting and at times embracing your quirks and missteps, the things you miss, the things you can’t see because they are right in front of your face. It’s about her seeing them and taking care of them, because they are easy to see and it is endearing that you can’t. Because you are hers and she can do whatever she wants with you. Because she wants you to look presentable as you are a reflection of her.

Okay, so there is still a little bit of that last part. But it’s mostly about her complete affection, the warm feeling of love when she sees you. With crust in your ears. Or when you stumble over the same word all the time. Or when you still don’t get after a five minute conversation that four people noticed that she dyed her hair. Three days ago. And one was a student in her classroom. And for the second time this year.

She dyed her hair, dude. Why can’t you see what’s right in front of your face?

I’ll compete against you in any sport, yet expect you to let me win without me knowing.

Is this about her being competitive? About her winning?

You bet it is.

But, again, there are deeper layers. It’s more about reading the situation and knowing how to be her man in that situation. It’s about taking care of her so dynamically that it’s transparent to her. She’ll know that it happens because she will sense it in her life, feel it when she looks at you, or when she looks back and reflects about you. Listen…she wants you to be a man. A freaking man. But sensitive enough to her to take care of what she needs maybe even when she doesn’t know that it’s what she needs. But not so much that you’re a pushover and she forgets you’re a man because she can walk all over you.

This one is tough because we men are given mixed messages all through our life. And when in doubt, we default to whichever side we are most comfortable. But I have good news.

When a complex woman sees her man understanding her and navigating through it, she helps and is patient. Forgiving. Knowing that she doesn’t always make sense even to herself in a way she can verbalize (or maybe she is still learning about herself). She wants you to keep going but she knows you run out of steam sometimes. It’s ok.

To love a complex woman is no small feat. But it is absolutely wonderful. And so much better than the alternative.

She is smart. Like, genius type of brilliance. She is beautiful in her stunning complexity. She is made of the strongest material on earth, but will shatter the second you hurt her. She’s like a diamond. And she knows you can pull out a hammer in a second.

She wants desperately to trust and to love, but is afraid to completely let go. She is the greatest lover of your life, and more deserving of love than most people ever are, but the complexity can sometimes shroud her. And that hurts her as much as it hurts you.

It is simply its nature. It takes a lifetime of loving. And it is better this way. The two of you aren’t victims of the complex person she is. You are benefactors of it.

For those of us who are discerning and can see authentic beauty beyond just how hot she looks in jeans (and holy crap she looks incredible in those jeans), we love it. We can’t get enough of it. We might sometimes be frustrated or even ruminate over it. But they go away with one smile on her face or one text she sends or one phrase she speaks. When your head clears and you see her, you know…you are madly in love with her and you were meant for this. You actually love it. You are drawn to the complexity, mesmerized by it, fascinated with each new discovery. Your confusion replaced with awe and fascination, your hurt or anger replaced with sympathy or guilt for not having seen her genuine heart sooner.

And it drives you deeper into her, more in love with her, more intertwined and connected with her. And within her, you find virtues of your own that you never knew you needed to be refined. You find characteristics and strengths of yourself that you never knew you had. And, perhaps it is under your radar, but she is growing too. She doesn’t remain the same. She grows along with you, in the safety and love you provide.

She has within herself the blueprint of you. Loving her remakes you and transforms you. You discover more of yourself as you delve deeper into her. And the deeper you go, the more surrounded you become with beauty and awe, filled with approbation and adoration. It is absolutely wonderful.

She’ll love you until the day she dies.

(but will kill you if you wrong her so don’t do that, k?)

Desher Hyland

Written by

She is my whole world. I write for Marina.

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