The pleasure of continuing to live sometimes feels like wading around in the mud. Arduous, exhausting, gross, and frankly hilarious life is inherently ridiculous. Sometimes feeling beyond my level of understanding. Sure, I can explain logically why things are the way that they are. An in-depth look at how individuals and systems in the world around us behave, but at the end of the day I still find myself asking “why?”. Life can feel like an overzealous gymnastics coach, always ready to rip the bar from under your feet. Eager to test your landing and judge just how well you’ve been following their, at times cryptic advice.
I don’t remember the first time I heard Tig’s Live show. The show recorded only as audio at the famous Largo in LA. I do remember though that I cried. Not only because in less than an hour I felt like I was invited into this vulnerable place- seeing part of a stranger. More than that, I felt heard. I have also been living with a life-changing illness.
Her show brings me comfort, like almost nothing else in a way that I have no notion how to describe. As time goes on, I identify more and more with its contents. Thankfully my mother is fine for which I am endlessly grateful.
I did, however, just endure a rather exhausting break-up. I’m not here to beat down on my ex-partner. We’re all people trying and consistently failing to do our best in some of the most haphazard fashion imaginable. It didn’t work out that’s fine. My perspective is limited and I will never understand someone else’s world to its entirety. Still, people damage each other often without wanting to, without meaning to. That’s life. I can’t fix the excuses I made for poor behavior but any viciousness helps no one.
This comes after finding myself in dire straights twice, once an urgent care walk-in. Where I was taken promptly to an x-ray only to have the technician touch me afterward like I was made of the finest glass.
Clearly, something was going on.
Pneumonia, lungs so full of fluid they were on the verge of collapse.
Secondly, a trip to the ER after collapsing at work due to extreme pain as my chronic illness had developed another symptom the night before; uncontrollable vomiting. I also learned that in addition to my many other symptoms extreme pain, nausea, and bleeding, I had lost 14 pounds that week.
My partner was a ghost no attempt to reach them made contact. They had moved to Alabama in February for work reasons- (this had never been a deal-breaker and we had planned to move in together to start our “life” when they returned at the end of their contract). A face to face conversation was not an option. My issues: fear of abandonment, history of abuse, and commitment to this dream future allowed this to continue for far too long.
So here I am, almost 30 single again. I have never had a problem being single. In truth, I always found it easier never to try- leading to a nine-year period where I hadn’t so much as held someone’s hand let alone shared sweet nothings or given a kiss. I’ve learned the painful lesson; if you want things in life you work for them but working for this connection can feel impossible.
I have no idea what’s wrong with me after years of testing for anything we can think of. How do I tell someone that three years ago I lost over a hundred and fifty pounds in less than six months or that the pain can make me blackout or lay on the floor for hours? How do I explain that I am probably dying far more quickly than the other women you’ll meet on these apps? That my being able to rely on them is far bigger than someone needing a shoulder on a hard day, or a box of tampons? That reliance has to be earned because for me it could be the hospital. When do I tell you so it doesn’t seem like I’ve emotionally manipulated you into attaching yourself to a ticking time-bomb?
“Serious inquiries only”- Tig Notaro
It’s no wonder that I find the most romantic figures in Hollywood to be Kumail Nanjiani and Keanu Reeves. We celebrate men who show up to do the hard work associated with the caretaking of illness, physical and emotional. All while we expect that work from women. Ladies, I love you but you haven’t really “shown up” either. Having tested the waters on many sides I can safely say, we’re all bad at this. No individual or gender can take the blame.
I don’t know that I have any actual wisdom on the subject. Perhaps I should become welcoming to only physical connection. To learn to enjoy my body again to remember that living inside it isn’t only defined by this awkwardness and pain. Maybe I lean into my instincts and stop trying. Between trying to handle bills, navigating heartbreak, and attempting to understand how to create a fulfilling career when I’m unable to give 100%, perhaps I have enough to focus on. Do I just… Make a profile? Serious inquiries only.
Tig Notaro-
Twitter:https://twitter.com/TigNotaro?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor
Desi-
Twitter:https://twitter.com/desifowl
After uncontrollably losing 14 pounds in a week, dealing with extreme pain, and a host of other symptoms Desi is also in the middle of a Go Fund Me. The goal is to handle her medical bills and expenses as she tries to navigate trying to find answers and treatment while she still can. For more information: https://www.gofundme.com/f/life-with-chronic-illness?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=fb_u_g&fbclid=IwAR1Tp5SM6Py1kYYIZugVbx-Z9R7CfgOAOEI__nGVi2c7R07HKjmi-22DRho
