College Student Rapidly Changes Roommates

This is a satirical piece, inspired by the nature of articles written by The Onion. This piece is largely based on real life events, exaggerated to fit the style. This article is a promotional piece, highlighting the topic of my upcoming blog “College Without A Clue”, to be launching in September 2016! Sign up for the mailing list to stay updated on the launch event.


East Lansing, MI — Since starting college at Michigan State University in the Fall semester of 2008, freshman Desiree’ Slaughter has been rapidly cycling through roommates at a breakneck pace, sources reported to College Without A Clue sources on Monday.

Desiree’ moving into her Hubbard Hall dorm room at MSU on move-in day 8/17/08.

“Its really unnerving to watch,” said a close friend and current freshman resident in the hall where Slaughter lives. “You never know what’s going to happen and lead to her next move when she switches rooms. Since August, she has had about 3 roommates. Honestly, I don’t know what her plans for her living arrangements are going to be for the next school year; whether she’s going to get a single or an apartment, or whether she’ll choose to take another chance with a different roommate.”

While students tend to have trouble making steady decisions in college with majors, living arrangements, etc., Slaughter’s mother and peers said the accelerated pace of her moving experiences is alarming. Since the beginning of the fall term, Slaughter has had 3 very different living experiences with several minor problems with each of them.

Within these few roommates, so far, Slaughter has resided with a self conscious, easily intimidated, racially fearful Caucasian girl; a little, tiny, loud, annoying, I-need-an-audience-for-everything African-American girl; and an easily confused, materialistic, old spirited, rich-kid African-American girl.

“I almost feel bad for her, seeing that she has had to pack up and move so many times….” says her younger sister Heleshia, “after I had met all 3 of them, I just knew she was going to have some problems…..and her stories, God those stories were always drama-filled and crazy.”

“Desi is used to staying by herself anyway,” says her younger brother Henry, “even at home she went through a lot of roommates (i.e. between own siblings and cousins), in the end, she always came out with a room by herself.”

We asked Desiree’ to comment on her roommate changes and this is what she had to say, “Well, I think roommate number 1 was very uncomfortable around me because I’m black, and her parents were very in considerate, so I switched rooms to room with a friend. Roommate number 2 was a new found friend, who was a friend of a friend, that I partied with on a regular, but she decided to get real ‘dougie’ with me because she owes me some money, and her best friend wanted to room with her anyway, so I moved out to prevent any unnecessary tension within the rooms. Finally, Roommate number 3 started out fine, as the previos ones did, but problems arouse with her extremely childish guy friend with a few items coming up missing, but after a very long talk we settled a few differences, but I plan to room by myself next year, and be suitemates with my cousin Tay.”

After speaking with Desiree’, all we can do is hope that next year she can get a clue as to how to manage college life and living with others.

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