During One-on-ones

For the impatient, glance at the key takeouts at the bottom. 😉

If 1–1s were a language, agenda would be the noun. What you do during a 1–1 would be the verb.

Early in my career I have found out that one of the key aspects of getting engineering solutions is active listening as a tool in constructive argumenting to build a better solution or unblock a situation. I have mentored on active listening throughout my career with improved outcomes for the mentees’ goals. Yet, even at a senior management level, I sometimes caught myself discussing more than required at the expense of the employee not sharing enough. Did you feel the same? Being heard feels natural to all people. We all have information, ideas and some aspects that we feel the others need to know about. So, active listening is something you need to train and pay attention to, as a leader, in order for you to make a positive impact.

Of course, you need to cut short lengthy conversations especially in case of time pressure. It also depends on the meetings. If you are in a meeting where you need to relay some aspects to the ones that you are leading, you would need to speak more than listen. Though in 1–1s, you should be definitely actively listening.

Look for the “Call for help”

The main behavior you need to train yourself to do is listen and absorb the context since whatever the employee discusses is a prelude. The key for you to jump in is when the employee directly asks for help or says they are struggling with a challenge. What if they never reach this point? You use guided questioning, the companion to active listening, to direct them towards the call for help.

Avoid intervening before the call for help, even if you want to speed up the improvement of an employee or organization and feel tempted to jump in. It may be taken as intrusive, condescending and might have a neutral or negative impact. Apart from that, you might give a solution for a problem that doesn’t exist. The employee might want to take you to another “call for help”. This meeting also, primarily, is for them to grow.

Here are some guiding question examples from Dr. James³, that I would group into the following.

The employee not sharing:

• “How has your work been going this week?”
• “What are you working on today?”
• “Tell me about those production issues we had last week.”

Subject seems to go curiously perfect:

• “Do you think that we’re measuring our uptime well enough?”
• “How best could we ensure that we’ve got all of the right metrics being logged ahead of time?”

The employee is bottling up feelings:

• “How are you feeling about our deadline in June?”

Taking notes and who does it?

It should be an agreement between you and the employee. I always try to motivate employees to type in key aspects from a conversation. This way we both see which part of the context is important to them. I also motivate them to type in their APs (action points) so it engraves better in their mind. You do the same for the aspects you believe are important from the context, the “call for help” and your (or some other stakeholder) APs. In contrast, Camile¹ and Dr. James³ proposed that the manager take all notes.

The goal of taking notes is to build:

1. transparency
2. trust towards you and acceptance of you (APs that you will be doing on behalf of them).
3. a “context of what has happened”¹

I would leave 5min before the end of the meeting in order to “review the notes at the end of the meeting”³. You can also alternatively, “leave time at the end to add notes … if you’re distracted by having a computer open in front of you during the meetings”.¹

The andon cord

Keep a lookout on the signal for uncomfortable subjects (the andon cord) that you agreed to in your contracting during your first one-on-one, and act accordingly.³ Reassess whether you need to go into the topic if it’s too personal or too off topic. Some subjects might be better handled by someone else in (or out of) the organization.

Coaching during a 1–1

As explained in my Coaching blog post, depending on seniority level and employee’s place in the learning curve of the subject, you should start from coaching and, if required, move to the right of mentoring, directing, intervening.⁴
For important issues, you should direct or intervene, as the gears will stop moving otherwise.
For unimportant and not urgent issues, grow the capability of the employee(s)/organization. You can move to the left of the framework (depending on the employee’s place in learning curve and seniority). The issue is not important so there is space for the employee to wrestle with the issue in order to build knowledge. What you do stays longer in memory, rather than just hearing it. Do it twice, and then it becomes a reflex.

If an issue is repeating, you need to move to the right of the framework and give clearer feedback. Great example⁴ would be:

• If they are complaining about the relationship with the PO or the delivery manager, you start coaching them on how to approach that relationship.
• If that doesn’t work, mentor them with your own experience (did you try grabbing a coffee, explaining it to them).
• If that doesn’t work, direct them.
• Otherwise you will start intervening.

If you hear an issue repeated from a couple of their peers, check whether you have enough time set aside in your 1–1 for their interpersonal challenges. The importance of handling repeating issues within your 1–1s is high, as it is one of the ways of managing conflict.¹

Giving feedback

Effective feedback giving revolves around having psychological safety and preventing the other being in a defensive situation. Otherwise, whatever you say will sink in slower (the mind is preoccupied defending rather than listening). You need to make them understand where they have done a great job, as everyone believes they provided effort and they did great overall. Once they are in this state of mind, it is easier for you to relay your message across. Of course there are cases when the employee will be defensive regardless of your approach, but you can practice on being open for feedback until they are at an acceptable level. Asking about the situation from the feedback, before giving it is also important. You need to listen to both sides of the story, so that you give objective feedback.

The cadence of giving feedback

Praise and corrective feedback regarding immediate unprofessional activities (raising their tone, bad language, malice, missing critical sessions, e.t.c.), should be done immediately. The media and privacy are best agreed between the two of you prior in the Contracting phase (check it as part of my “First one-on-one” blog). At the minimum give it in private, after the meeting.

Some companies have quarterly 360 peer reviews and feedback sessions or performance review sessions. Leaders usually give feedback on these meetings, based on their experience and other peer experiences with the employee. In order for you to have objective quarterly feedback, do motivate peers to give feedback real time in order for the employee to have time to correct. Otherwise making a decision based on the quarterly feedback, is not going to be received as a fair approach. “You can use this time to review progress toward goals, whether they are formal or personal”¹.

Giving feedback and firing

When it comes to firing someone, in a prior pacesetter company, in order for the process to go smoothly, we were instructed to first be Spock and then Mother Teresa (btw, she was born in my hometown :) ). Being Spock meant we had to be rational and face the employee with the reasons why they are being fired. Plus, be direct. Moneyball’s quote sums it perfectly “Would you rather get one shot in the head or five in the chest and bleed to death?”. “They are professionals.”. Only when they accept the reasons for being fired, should you be attentive. For instance, write a letter of recommendation, propose options (Mother Teresa). In order to be Spock, I had to keep a track of all the positives and challenges that the employee faced. So the one on one was a perfect way to do this within the shared historical document¹. While working with the employee, prior to the decision to fire them, don’t get fixated on writing bad behavior / challenges only. Keep your mind focused more on positive behaviors and challenges. This will set you both for success.

Healthy challenge and pressure

As in any situation, a person requires a healthy challenge in order to grow or to finish some creative, non repeating task. You would also be required to set expectations in order to achieve your organizational goals with the employee. This usually means, you would need to apply some pressure.

Some people have understood the life lesson that they need to change or challenge themselves, even slightly, in order to have a better life or be more successful. Others didn’t. Some generally adaptable people are in life phases or moments in the day where they require more stability.

On the other hand, your team needs to achieve a goal. You might find yourself expecting more from different professional reasons. Sometimes the organization is such that those goals are set higher than what an employee is in the mood for. Hence the atmosphere in your one one one might lack a good feeling. This is ok, and you need to accept it.

When you are in a company that values employee’s space and lets people choose the deliverables and timeline to a higher extent (like through Scrum or SAFe planning without meddling too much), be careful not to push the employee too high in the challenge zone. This might backfire, even though you had your company’s best interest in mind. You need to act more as an enabler and choose the level of challenge to suit the goals, employees motivations and mood.

In companies that set the pace and goals top-down, you can allow yourself to set the challenge (push) higher, more than the challenge that the employee is comfortable with. But do so, only if you feel there is no other way for the goal to be achieved. As you go along, you will become better at finding the balance for it.

In any case, the employee needs at least a minimum challenge, as not to stay in the comfort zone, and you need to pay attention for them not to go to the alarm zone. And, if they are not happy with the challenge, always remind them how this challenge helps the goal or it is part of the job at hand. Be concise (let them talk more, be silent), and if time, guide them with questions. However the discussion goes, make sure you repeat your expectation and ask for a commitment.

Marcus refers to this part as the challenging “evil” part, as you sometimes need to “lean into the pain” in order for them to learn better, and “you don’t have to strive for a great feeling”.⁴

Handling interpersonal problems between your immediate employees

When your direct employee A complains about another direct employee B, let A know you understand certain feelings for A’s behaviors, and point to why B might have a certain behavior and try to coach/ mentor/ direct/ intervene B. As Marcus⁴ points out, “You shouldn’t shut A down, but you should come to the point of agreeing that B is bad (otherwise you haven’t done your job for B as manager — you look bad)”.

Three key takeouts, the revelation, and an example :)

If 1–1s were a language, agenda would be the noun. What you do during a 1–1 would be the verb.

1. Avoid intervening before the call for help. Actively listen and absorb the context, and use guided questioning to direct them towards the call for help.
2. Effective feedback giving revolves around having psychological safety and preventing the other being defensive. Otherwise, whatever you say will sink in slower.
3. In order to grow or to finish some creative, non repeating task, an employee requires a healthy challenge (pressure) from your side that might put the meeting in a bad feeling. Accept it.

The revelation
Keep a lookout on the signal for uncomfortable subjects (the andon cord) that you agreed to in your contracting during your first one-on-one, and act accordingly.³

Great example⁴
of building an organizational or employee capability, when having a not urgent and unimportant issue, would be: If they are complaining about the relationship with the PO or the delivery manager, you start coaching them on how to approach that relationship. Otherwise, mentor them with your own experience (“did you try grabbing a coffee, explaining it to them”). Otherwise, direct them. Otherwise intervene.

For a lot more gems, check the full blog post. ;)

Summary

1. If 1–1s were a language, agenda would be the noun. What you do during a 1–1 would be the verb.
2. in 1–1s, you should be definitely actively listening.
3. listen and absorb the context
4. use guided questioning to direct them towards the call for help.
5. Avoid intervening before the call for help (neutral or negative impact: intrusive, condescending, might give a solution for a problem that doesn’t exist)
6. Check example questions in blog.
7. Employees should type in key aspects from the conversation and their APs (action points).
8. You do the same, including putting down the “call for help”.
9. The goal of taking notes is to build: transparency, trust towards you and acceptance of you (APs that you will be doing on behalf of them), and a “context of what has happened”¹.
10. I would leave 5min before the end of the meeting in order to “review the notes at the end of the meeting”³.
11. “leave time at the end to add notes … if you’re distracted by having a computer open in front of you during the meetings”.¹
12. Keep a lookout on the signal for uncomfortable subjects (the andon cord) that you agreed to in your contracting during your first one-on-one, and act accordingly.³
13. For important issues, you should direct or intervene
14. For unimportant and not urgent issues, grow the capability of the employee(s)/organization. You can move to the left of the framework (depending on the employee’s place in learning curve and seniority).
15. Great example⁴ would be: If they are complaining about the relationship with the PO or the delivery manager, you start coaching them on how to approach that relationship. Otherwise, mentor them with your own experience (“did you try grabbing a coffee, explaining it to them”). Otherwise, direct them. Otherwise intervene.
16. If an issue is repeating, you need to move to the right of the framework and give clearer feedback.
17. If you hear an issue repeated from a couple of their peers, check whether you have enough time set aside in your 1–1 for their interpersonal challenges.
18. The importance of handling repeating issues within your 1–1s is high, as it is one of the ways of managing conflict.¹
19. Effective feedback giving revolves around having psychological safety and preventing the other being in a defensive situation. Otherwise, whatever you say will sink in slower.
20. You need to make them understand where they have done a great job, as everyone believes they provided effort and they did great overall. Once they are in this state of mind, it is easier for you to relay your message across.
21. Praise and corrective feedback regarding immediate unprofessional activities should be done immediately.
22. In order for you to have objective quarterly feedback, do motivate peers to give feedback real time in order for the employee to have time to correct.
23. When it comes to firing someone, first be Spock and then Mother Teresa
24. In order to be Spock, I had to keep a track of all the positives and challenges that the employee faced.
25. Even when firing is a possibility in an organization, keep your mind focused more on positive behaviors and challenges. This will set you both for success.
26. A person requires a healthy challenge (pressure) in order to grow or to finish some creative, non repeating task.
27. You would need to apply some pressure. The atmosphere in your one one one might lack a good feeling. This is ok, and you need to accept it.
28. Be concise. However the discussion goes, make sure you repeat your expectation and ask for a commitment.
29. The challenging “evil” part: you sometimes need to “lean into the pain” in order for them to learn better, and “you don’t have to strive for a great feeling”.⁴
30. When your direct employee A complains about another direct employee B, let A know you understand certain feelings for A’s behaviors, and point to why B might have a certain behavior and try to coach/ mentor/ direct/ intervene B.
31. As Marcus⁴ points out, “You shouldn’t shut A down, but you should come to the point of agreeing that B is bad (otherwise you haven’t done your job for B as manager — you look bad)”.

Resources

One on ones
First one-on-one
Cadence (1–1s)
Agenda (1–1s)
Coaching

The During One-on-ones Linkedin resource for additional audiance to comment, interact and share with.

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Reference

[1] Camille Fournier, “The Manager’s path”, 2017, book
[2] Will Larson, “An Elegant Puzzle: Systems of Engineering Management”, 2019, book
[3] Dr. James Stanier, “Become an Effective Software Engineering Manager: How to Be the Leader Your Development Team Needs”, 2020, book
[4] Marcus F., https://lnkd.in/dghjKmQB, youtube videos