My wife and I lived in a tiny house for 4 years. I know your post is half in jest, but I’ll still answer your questions about what it’s like. People usually wonder “how do you live in such a small space?” but the answer is very simple: you get used to it. Humans have, throughout history, spent very little time in mansions. It’s not like everybody was terribly unhappy living a nomadic existence. Humans are just really good at adapting. I spent a few hours thinking “this is really small” and then it started to feel normal and every other dwelling started to seem absurdly huge. After living in a larger space, it starts to seem small. It was a great experience and I’d encourage you to try it. It isn’t something that’s easy to understand as an outsider. It isn’t “all peaches and cream,” and design magazines are bullshit. It’s a different way of life, and if you let it, it will blow your freakin mind.
Do you ever wake up wondering, “I've made a huge mistake?
Do you actually love living in a fancy tiny house*?
But 250 square feet?
80 square feet
What the hell happens when your tiny house partner farts Mexican food farts, huh?
Open a window
Where do you escape to?
I go home to my tiny house
Or maybe you can run out into the tiny forest surrounding your tiny house.
I f’ing love the idea of downsizing and living a “simple life,” but seriously, where do you put your shit?
I have less shit and there’s plenty of room for it. Largest storage spaces are for my clothing and tools.
Do you have a tiny river that runs behind your tiny house? I bet you do. I bet your whole Goddamn property is whimsical.
Nope, but that would be pretty cool.
And I know your house isn't that clean all of the time.
True. It is, however, much cleaner than it would be if it wasn't tiny, if only out of necessity.
Hey. Do you have privacy in your tiny house?
Yes. We have curtains.
What if you're having a shitty day and you just want to be alone?
I say “I want to be alone” and my wife says “ok” and then we go to opposite ends of the house. Alternatively, one of us can leave.
Don't you feel like a rat trapped in a cage?
Don't you ever want to turn toward your lover or spawn and shout, “Get out! Get out of my tiny house!”
Eh, once or twice.
What about sexy time, huh? There is no f'ing way your kids aren’t hearing that shit.
We don't have kids.
WHAT HAPPENS TO THE SEXY TIME?!?
It becomes much more whimsical. Just kidding, it’s exactly the same unless you or your partner have a tiny house fetish.
WHERE IS THE BED?!
In the loft
What about guests? Where do you put your guests?
On the couch
Can friends and family even visit you?
Do you have friends and family?
Are people now afraid of you?
Not for tiny-house reasons
“Honey, want to go visit Petal & Ralph out in their 250-square-foot house this weekend?”
Ok, sounds roomy, I bet they have rooms
Guys, you know when the zombie apocalypse comes you're going to be the first to go, right?
Nope. We could, within 60 seconds, be on the road. Fully stocked with enough food and water to keep us alive during almost any disaster. Our tiny house was hurricane proof and self-sufficient. It has low enough power draw that it can be powered indefinitely by a small solar panel. It has a water purifier. It has shatter-proof windows. Best of all, it has an appropriately tiny arsenal.
Be honest: You just want to live out your life like a Wes Anderson character, don't you?
I hope you're happy and that all my questions and concerns are just the ramblings of a jealous woman who wants a tiny house of her own.