What Is the Modern Day Rite of Passage For A Man?
There’s an unspoken barrier in our culture between boyhood and manhood. Some guys break it. Some never do.
Sometime around our teenage years we’re faced with a choice whether to say, “Fuck everyone else, I’m independent. I don’t need to rely on anyone else.”
If it doesn’t happen then, the chances of ever achieving those necessary character traits dwindle as a man becomes increasingly dependent on others. It creates a cycle of co-dependence, stunting his development.
Lacking a formal ceremony or traditional practice, it’s a phase that every man should go through in order to live by his own rules without fear. It’s the only thing I think comes close to a modern day equivalent to a tribal rite of passage in our culture.
It’s definitively not the equivalent to the practice of sending a boy out into the wilderness to survive for himself while requiring him to complete a goal or task worthy of manhood.
I never had a rite of passage.
I was raised in a loving home with as many privileges as my parent’s could provide me. One could argue that I was spoiled.
But being taken care of so well, having all of the advantages I had, stunted my development. When I got in considerable trouble with the law, I was bailed out. When I made bad choices that cost me money or relationships, I always had someone to fall back on. When I acted like an asshole to everyone around me, I was loved nonetheless.
A debate is going on now. One side says that children are TOO sheltered. That they’re coddled and watched over by “helicopter parents” who no longer trust society or the abilities of children to make their own decisions.
The other side believes they are merely involving themselves in their children’s life to make them better human beings; to keep them safe. These parents are deeply involved in their children’s lives during the teenage years, college, and even beyond.
There’s no longer a rite of passage where the child must learn to fend for themselves unless the child makes a conscious choice to break free from the parent’s constant support and nurturing.
But there are many examples of men who are successful at what we consider a very early age. They’re entrepreneurs who’ve started a successful business. They’re mavericks who are using the internet to give the world new and exciting products which solve problems we didn’t even know we had.
When I say “ what we consider a very young age” I mean in their twenties and thirties. Today’s society seems to be shocked by this early success. We seem to hold the young and successful as standouts. But we forget that history is filled with people who left home at sixteen or seventeen to make a life for themselves. By their early twenties, they were wealthy merchants running a trading empire or kings and queens, running a political empire. Early success has always been common until our modern age.
So what’s changed? Why is there no more rite of passage? Or if there is one, what is it now? Graduating high school?
I began with stating that I feel that I’ve never gone through my own rite of passage.
Because of this, I feel…less manly. I feel as if I’m always taking a back seat to others. Some tell me I have a strong personality, yet there are times when I adopt a submissive attitude.
The shift is intangible at first. It’s only after the conversation has ended that I realize what I’ve done.
Could it stem from a fear of conflict? A desire not to rock the boat? Or could it come from a feeling of care; of needing to make sure others are safe and taken care of? Perhaps it’s because I’ve never had to really fend for myself?
No matter where it comes from, at the end of the day, I feel a bit disappointed with myself for not projecting a more masculine persona.
The other sex picks up on it quickly. I can feel the moment in the conversation with a woman when her intrigue is satisfied (or disappointed) and she senses I’m no longer “suitable”.
What is the solution? How do I adjust my psyche to make myself…proud of myself? How do I become a man in my eyes so that others will respect me the way I want to be respected?
It’s time for a self imposed rite of passage. It’s time to cut myself off from family and society. It’s time to wander the wilderness and learn how to fend for myself. It’s time to cast privilege aside until I’m able to step back into society as a self-sufficient man.
Thanks for reading! I’d love to hear what you think. Am I wrong? Am I onto something? Did I miss a major point? Let me know.
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