I recently went to “Disney Land Theme Park” in Anaheim, CA, and I have to say, it was not a pleasant experience at all. I’ll say outright that the prices are outrageous. But without spending too much time focusing on that, I’d like to point out some of the serious faults this park has.
First off, the stamp they gave me at the entrance didn’t work. Not all that big a deal, but you’d think they could afford ink. The guy didn’t even bother putting marker or something, he just stamped my hand with an empty stamp and told me that it would work. Yeah. How’s it gonna work if it’s not visible, guy? Whatever, I went in anyway and went straight to check into my hotel room at the Hollywood Towers before having a fun day at the park.
Well, not only was the staff surprisingly morose, but the place hadn’t been dusted in what looks like years. There were spiderwebs, cracks in the wall, you name it! And on top that, it started pouring rain when I got inside. Real inviting. I tried to ignore it, said, I’ll just get to my room, have a shower, the rain will clear, and I’ll have a dandy of a day. WRONG. It’s almost hard to believe as I write this, but on the way up to my room, the ELEVATOR FELL DOWN THE SHAFT. I nearly had a heart attack! Thank god the emergency brakes kicked in. I decided not even shower and to just go take my mind off it with some good ol Disney time while they worked maintenance at the hotel. At least the rain had cleared.
But what had not cleared, was the MASSIVE BUG INFESTATION right outside the hotel! I mean, seriously Disneyland? You can’t afford an exterminator? Disgusting. I was so utterly put off that I decided to just skip California Adventure all together. Besides, we’re IN California. I wanna travel to new places! Like space!
So off I go to Star Tours, and what should have been a pleasant cruise through the galaxy, ended up being a horrific and terrifying chase from the Rebel alliance because of course a Rebel Spy just HAD to be on my flight. And you know what? It almost seemed like the flight staff KNEW something was gonna go wrong before I got in! Ugh!!! Thank god C3pO somehow managed to get us back safe, and I guess I am glad that they caught that spy.
But hey Disneyland, have you ever heard of an Electricity Bill? Apparently not, because the lights we’re COMPLETELY dark during Space Mountain. And not only that but they were flickering on and off the whole time during Indiana Jones too! You’d think with all that dirty Disney blood money you could afford some freakin working lights!
Also something nice to afford might be personal golf carts or Segueys, because it is NOT a small world after all — the place is big. Too big! My legs hurt! My back hurts!
And my physique hurts, too. This is of course due to Splash Mountain. Nothing went wrong really, but just for the record, that ride is the scariest fucking thing I’ve ever experienced, and I am indeed now scared for life. How bout you try actually feeding the animals you keep in your rides so they don’t reek so much of an evil, desperate pain.
I really could go on and on about what a shit show this was. The Matterhorn was full of Yeti’s, the Haunted Mansion was full of ghosts, I mean I know that’s the gag but really? A hologram would have been fine.
The ONLY thing that was worth the trip was that jungle cruise guy. He was hilarious. But I bet you pay him in flattened pennies don’t you you little Disney son of a bitch. You little hidden Mickey piece of shit. You know what Mickey? You are not fine. Not at all. I think I’ll stick with Legoland from now on.