How To Win Your Fantasy Football League

Devin Wallace
Aug 25, 2017 · 3 min read

Alright stat-heads, pigskin-lovers, number-crunchers, opiate addicts. It’s that time of year again when we get together with a dozen of our mildest acquaintances and play fantasy football. The jump from middle of the pack to holding the championship trophy at the end of the year isn’t easy, but here are some tips that’ll give you the edge in your league.

  1. Know Your League. Some leagues allow for two quarterbacks, or no tight ends, or have a commissioner that invites you over for “league bonding night” but when you show up it’s only Doug and Doug’s brother — who is not in the league — and you wake up on a stained futon without your I.D. or your pants or a third wide receiver.
  2. Go For Undervalued Guys. You need to be smart to get ahead. Everyone is going to draft big-name players. You want sleepers, guys no one else will draft, guys that aren’t in the league anymore, guys that are dead, guys that are two clam shells in a trench-coat, guys that are literal stools.
  3. Take 12 Kickers. Quick: what’s the most popular jersey you see on kids today? That’s right. Former NFL Kicker Doug Brien. They’re legends. You’re gonna want five or six kickers, half a dozen meat legs to propel your team to victory. Screw it, draft anyone with a beefy Bunyan thigh. David Beckham is cool. Mike Tyson has legs. Legs: you gotta have it.
  4. Draft The Tennessee Titans. They look fun.
  5. Don’t Draft Anyone. Tell your friends you can’t be in the league this year. Close your laptop. Knock on your son’s door; he won’t respond. Go in an apologize for missing his Little League playoff game. Tell him you bet he threw a lot of heat out on the diamond. Call him Ace. He’ll smirk. Give him a high five and walk to your bedroom. Your wife is in bed reading a Diane Steele novella and wondering “If only.” Place one hand on her thigh. Close the book with your other hand. Look into her eyes and nod. After you both finish for the first time in three years, listen to the rise and fall of her chest, the beating of her heart. Understand that these moments are the ones that you will remember. Understand that you don’t have many left. Remind yourself to delete the doctor’s message on the answering machine. Call your insurance agent tomorrow. Make sure Alex and Marie are set up for life, financially. When you’re gone it won’t be easy. There will be tears and there will be heartbreak and there will be anger, but in the end, they will smile and remember the moments at night, the moment just like this.
  6. Or tell your best bro Dave he’s a cunt nugget for drafting Peterson ahead of McGlinksey and crack open a beer as fuck nose Ted drafts a tight end in the second god damn round, that cuck eyed schmuck. Roll down the windows to your car, look over the empty WalMart parking lot, and know that it doesn’t get better than this.

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