Memo to MSG Employees, Re: Billy Joel
Jul 20, 2017 · 2 min read
Hi gang, just wanted to reiterate a few of our guidelines for Mr. Joel’s residency at Madison Square Garden, as we’re halfway through Year 3.
- Please don’t wink and shout “see ya, piano man!” if you encounter Mr. Joel in the arena. Also unacceptable: “spot me, song guy,” with a snazzy low-five attempt.
- Please do not mention factories, either opening, closing, or simply operating as expected, around Mr. Joel. He does not need to be tempted.
- Please note Mr. Joel’s head, as well as the rest of his body, is thoroughly off-limits to all arena employees. It does not matter if you wanted to “see what makes those keys purr.”
- Please don’t call Mr. Joel “the old Mr. Brinkley.” He doesn’t even get the reference.
- Please don’t mention any old friends from “the neighborhood.” Mr. Joel will insist he knows them and proceed to list, in catchy verse — with no discernible chorus — every aspect of their lives.
- Please do not look wistfully at any women while in Mr. Joel’s company. He will let you know what could have been…but will never be.
- Please make sure all ceilings, archways, and/or roofs are at least two feet above Mr. Joel’s head, so he has room for what he calls the high notes, “those real screechy-deechies.”
- Please falsify all tax records relating to the 2015 Mr. Figgs incident.
- Please continue pretending we all know what a “real estate novelist” is.
- Please do not refer to Mr. Joel’s time at Madison Square Garden or affiliated venues as “some weird ass Phantom of the Opera style shit.”
Thank you for your time.
