Memo to MSG Employees, Re: Billy Joel

Devin Wallace
Jul 20, 2017 · 2 min read

Hi gang, just wanted to reiterate a few of our guidelines for Mr. Joel’s residency at Madison Square Garden, as we’re halfway through Year 3.

  1. Please don’t wink and shout “see ya, piano man!” if you encounter Mr. Joel in the arena. Also unacceptable: “spot me, song guy,” with a snazzy low-five attempt.
  2. Please do not mention factories, either opening, closing, or simply operating as expected, around Mr. Joel. He does not need to be tempted.
  3. Please note Mr. Joel’s head, as well as the rest of his body, is thoroughly off-limits to all arena employees. It does not matter if you wanted to “see what makes those keys purr.”
  4. Please don’t call Mr. Joel “the old Mr. Brinkley.” He doesn’t even get the reference.
  5. Please don’t mention any old friends from “the neighborhood.” Mr. Joel will insist he knows them and proceed to list, in catchy verse — with no discernible chorus — every aspect of their lives.
  6. Please do not look wistfully at any women while in Mr. Joel’s company. He will let you know what could have been…but will never be.
  7. Please make sure all ceilings, archways, and/or roofs are at least two feet above Mr. Joel’s head, so he has room for what he calls the high notes, “those real screechy-deechies.”
  8. Please falsify all tax records relating to the 2015 Mr. Figgs incident.
  9. Please continue pretending we all know what a “real estate novelist” is.
  10. Please do not refer to Mr. Joel’s time at Madison Square Garden or affiliated venues as “some weird ass Phantom of the Opera style shit.”

Thank you for your time.

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