Fear is always just behind anger, imagined or real. I think that when we begin to recognize the depth of the manipulation and torture these people are capable of, we experience a flood of outrage which matches the fear we felt when being abused. We’re afraid of our anger because we have taken in so much, we’re swimming in their bile. We fear we might explode and we don’t want to be like them.
But there’s also an element of dharmic anger, because their behavior is an affront to the universe. It is antithetical to the human cause. We are incredulous that anyone would do this to anybody. We fear for ourselves in the face of evil and are angry for every women who has ever been shamed, demeaned, objectified, manipulated and labeled. It is archetypal outrage.
I spent more than 25 years in a narcissistically abusive marriage, but didn’t know it because my culture taught me that abuse was about getting beaten up. I never saw anyone behave like that before and thought it could be fixed with therapy, patience and love.
I am working hard to own my anger, to allow it to be. It’s not something I will ever “get over”, but accepting its presence is helping. The looping flashbacks and my angry responses to them are consuming less and less of my time. I sometimes make up some great new dialogue which may be of use down the road.
Right now you’re in the worst part of the curve. Hang in there. Don’t be angry at yourself for being angry. It will make you afraid of yourself. Keep writing. I will come by for an interpretive dance.