This is What Anxiety and Depression Looks Like (Pt. 16)

I really have to stop taking such long absences from writing! I am sorry for such a hiatus. I have been working full time, as well as just enjoying the summer weather/lack of school/responsibilities. :)

I will be 20 in December and I still only have my G1 license (for anyone unfamiliar with the G grading system, it’s essentially a learner’s permit). Factors include not having enough experience, busy with work/school/etc., and especially my anxiety when it comes to getting behind the wheel. I become nervous to go too fast and end up angering other drivers, which in turn makes me nervous and makes me freeze. I’m mostly afraid of hitting others/inconveniencing others/having others think I’m a bad driver. All of these things swirling around in my head PLUS trying to remember to actually drive make it kind of hard to actually like driving.

Deciding that I was tired of being carted around and having little freedom without my G2, I was enrolled in driving school. I began my first week home from McMaster which entailed a 2 1/2 hour class every Monday and Tuesday night for 4 weeks. The class was kind of boring and mostly consisted of 90s safety videos, but all in all it was a good experience that I thought rendered me ready to meet with an instructor.

About two weeks ago now, I met with my instructor on a Tuesday night. She seemed nice enough and like she knew what she was doing, but I right off the bat noticed that she could be a little impatient. I figured that as long as I was communicating and tried my best, that I could avoid her getting annoyed with me.

The first half an hour or so was fantastic. We started by practicing in a parking lot, and then eventually took to the suburbs to practice turning, as well as emergency stopping. I was, however, caught off guard when she directly me to a very busy street with lots of intersections during rush hour. I had never even driven on this road in one lane, but now she wanted to me to practice switching lanes on it. So every few seconds, I was supposed to signal and change lanes all along this busy road. Behind me came a sports car that was tailing me, as well as a bunch of other cars who had gone behind me. At this point, I started to get a little nervous, which was exacerbated by my instructor beginning to yell directions at me and almost kind of badger me. When she became too demanding, I did what I had always feared would happen: I froze and started having a panic attack in the middle of a busy road.

She thought I was just crying, and so she began yelling at me to pull the car over to the shoulder, but I couldn’t because I couldn’t move. She maneuvered us over into the shoulder by controlling the wheel and parking us. She told me to get out of her car, and when she came around to the driver’s side to ask me what I was doing, I couldn’t control my breathing. I began to hyperventilate and I felt as though I was going to faint. She kept asking me questions but I couldn’t get any words out because I couldn’t breathe!! At this point, I think she realized that I wasn’t okay; that, or when I began to vomit on the side of the road. I continued to hyperventilate for about 15 minutes afterward. When I could get a few words out every couple of minutes, I told her that I do suffer from panic disorder and anxiety. In all fairness, she heard what I was saying, tried to comfort me and told me we could end the lesson for that day.

She dropped me off and I cried and felt a tightness in my chest for the rest of the night. I haven’t driven since then and I don’t know that I will be able to take another lesson again.

It’s really really frustrating to be unable to do something people expect you to get naturally. I often get people thinking that I haven’t gone to get my license out of laziness or unwillingness to learn and that’s just not true. The fact is that I could get set off at any moment on the road, and I don’t feel as though right now I am able to control that/react to that properly, should it happen. Sure, being able to drive anywhere I wanted would be convenient and would give me more freedom, but if the cost is me putting myself and others in danger, that’s a freedom I don’t want.

This is what depression and anxiety looks like.