8 Do’s and Don’ts of Some Gangsta-Ass Wellness, Bitch

Look, I’m smarter than you. I know more than you do. I got a Master’s degree in Traditional Chinese Medicine, and the fact that you think that’s some one or even two year program of hocus pocus New Age bells and whistles is just a small part of what makes you so much motherfuckin’ dumber than me. It’s four years, because it’s accredited — you know what that means? Of course you don’t, because you don’t know shit. It means there was a shitload of western medicine classes in the curriculum, which means we know what they do, but they ain’t got no fuckin’ clue what we do. Also, there’s no Nutrition class in western medical school. How ya like them apples (no pun intended)? No Nutrition class! Doctors know what you know: “Fruits and vegetables.” Woopdy fuckin’ doo. Some of you shit heads worship Science so much that if Science had a dick it’d be stapled to your esophagus; and to you I say I have an accredited Master’s in Science. So get on your knees and start sucking. Here are 8 classic health myths that perpetually pervert the free world, followed by 8 brilliant tips to free our world from the shackles of disease. Word!

1. Cold drinks boost the metabolism: Dumb motherfuckaz be thinkin’ it’s healthier to drink cold drinks because it gives the digestive system more of a workout while doing its job, but guess what, dickheads? Eating ain’t supposed to be a motherfuckin’ workout… any more than working out’s supposed to be eating, ‘namean? Exercise should come via exercising — not by asking our organs to work twice as hard when all they’re trying to do is absorb some motherfuckin’ nutrients up in this piece. The further away your drinks are from 98.6 degrees, the more work your bitch-ass body has to do to transform it back to 98.6 degrees, asshole.

2. Working standing up is healthier: Apparently niggas is so fuckin’ busy these days that they actually think they can combine work and workin’ out. I be seeing these fuck-heads actually standing up at their desks, working on their laptop, absolutely exhausting their body’s vital energy cuz some stupid fuckin’ web site told them that shit is good. That shit ain’t good. While not standing at all might contribute to bone atrophy or whatever the fuck you read in some hacky article, standing too much will eventually lead to kidney weakness. “Oh, my kidneys are fine,” says the bitch ass nigga who doesn’t know shit about human physiology. Sit the fuck down, and prevent your bone atrophy by actually busting out some cardio or some shit…. jerkoff.

3. Everything in moderation: Niggas say “everything in moderation” as long as it’s about shit they like. If a nigga’s allergic to gluten, a moderate amount of gluten ain’t okay. If a nigga got Gout, there’s no such thing as a “moderate amount” of ground beef, and if some chick is covered in eczema, the occasional piece of cheese ain’t all good. The real saying if niggas wasn’t so fuckin’ stupid, would be: Some things in moderation for some of the people some of the time, but some things some people just can’t have. But that ain’t the saying, ‘cuz niggaz is so fuckin’ stupid.

4. Fat equals fat: Speaking of stupid, let’s talk about all the alleged genius scientists our shit-for-brain society be suckin’ off so hard, and how for decades they were telling us that fat is bad for us –fat makes you fat — when this is really just a misunderstanding due to semantics that shouldn’t have gone down with anyone over the age of 12. Saturated fats actually boost our motherfuckin’ liver function, whose job it is to emulsify our fats. Part of the reason other countries didn’t make this same dick-headed error is because their language doesn’t use the same word to describe obesity. If this doesn’t leave you forever questioning the intelligence of every bitch ass scientist on the planet, nothing will. Fat is not fat, ho. It’s phat, yo’.

5. Coffee is good for you: First of all, if I hear one more cocksucking fuckwad tell me something’s got antioxidants I’ma blast ’em with my Tek 9 and bury ’em somewhere where there ain’t no oxidants or antioxidants at all. Scientists claim that people who drink 3–4 cups of coffee a day live longer, and off the top of my head I can only think of about 8 million other factors they’d have to account for before I’d believe such fuckin’ bullshit. First of all it doesn’t take into consideration the fact that everyone’s physiology is different. Coffee isn’t broccoli or water. It’s not inherently good. Like most things its gonna agree with some niggas more than others. First, it’s mad warming to the stomach, so if you have a warm constitution, guess what? See you at the tea house… or see you in Hell, nigga, ‘cuz you ain’t gonna live no longer fuckin’ lives like those scientists said. Second, coffee puts a strain on the adrenal glands, and is like the most diesel diuretic on the block. You think it’s equally healthy for everyone to be losing that much water everyday? Fine, start pounding four cups of coffee a day and tell me if you feel better or worse.

6. One cup of wine a day is good for you. You’re an alcoholic, okay? Stop trying to rationalize your addiction. If you think drinking alcohol every single day of your life is doing you more good than bad, then you might as well make it a bottle a day and just pitch a tent in the motherfuckin’ gutter, ya wine-o. Ain’t nobody saying to never have a glass or even to never get drunk. Go get drunk once in a while. Have a blast. But there’s mad healthier ways to get those nutrients than boozing every single night, ya miserable fuck.

7. Salad is healthy. Again with the cold! I dunno if white people come with a built in space heater in our motherfuckin’ stomachs or some shit, but for some reason we just insist on pouring ice all over our fuckin’ metabolisms. Salad is cold, which means the body has to transform its temperature to use the nutrients, which are already minimal, ‘cuz how much nutrients you think you’re getting from some bitch ass iceberg lettuce and 6 shreds of carrot? No, nigga, just stop it. Raw food proponents say when you cook food you cook the enzymes out, but that’s why raw foodies always look like pale-ass walking corpses who just got over pneumonia. I honestly don’t know why it is. Either it’s better to have less enzymes and easier absorption, or not as many enzymes are getting cooked out as niggas think… ‘long as you ain’t fuckin’ charrin’ your asparagus on the grill, namean?

8. Vegetarianism is healthy. See #4. Do you have any motherfuckin’ idea how hard it is to get sufficient iron, fat and protein without eating dead niggas? Oh, there’s supplements, you say? Go fuck yourself, cuz supplements mimic real food about as well as masturbation does the best pussy you ever had. I know statistics say vegetarians live longer, and that’s just one of the many examples of statistics being misleading as fuck. The reason vegetarians live longer on average is because most non-vegetarians are ignorant ass fuck, hillbilly shitheads who pound fast food, sandwiches and sugar like it’s their jobs… cuz’ most of them ain’t got no fuckin’ job. Ain’t nobody saying to eat meat with every meal, but you should probably eat it 3–5 times a week. And if it’s the animals you feel bad for, you do realize that plants are alive before we chomp them up in our cold ass fuckin salads, right?

DO’s:

1. Minimize processed meats, sugar, white bread, alcohol and caffeine.

2. Minimize medication. Believe in science and modern medicine all you want, even doctors wouldn’t dispute that drugs work by blocking the body’s natural mechanism in order to mute unwanted symptoms. It is scientifically impossible for this to not be harmful.

3. Maximize healthy fats, fish and cooked vegetables.

4. Start each day with a cup of warm water and a cooked breakfast: Fat, protein, eggs, yams, onions, something! I don’t have time for breakfast. You sure don’t, ‘cuz you’re gonna die sooner than all of us.

5. Exercise in moderation: 3–5 times/week for 20–60 minutes each time. Nothing crazy either. Fuck hot yoga, and fuck crossfit in its asshole. Also, you’re not doing your body any favors by working out after 5 hours of sleep and a hard night of drinking. Sorry — doesn’t work like that. On those days your body will benefit much more from rest… and water.

6. Drink lots of warm water every day. Water is the unsung hero of good health. People think they need a pill or an herb or some particular tea that’s gonna turn things around, and all they need is mad water. Filtered > bottled, to avoid plastic toxicity, and small sips > big gulps, to avoid over-taxing the kidneys and not absorbing jack shit. Just sip, bro’.

7. Chill with friends, hug, kiss, fuck and laugh, not necessarily in that order.

8. Eat real, home-cooked meals. Health bars are not healthy, no matter how “healthy” they are. Neither are green juices, fruit juices or anything you “grab real quick” on the go. The first prerequisite of a healthy meal is that it be a meal. Don’t believe the hype. And don’t waste your money. Cook. I dunno how to cook. What’re you, fuckin’ 12? Google it. Grow up. Stop being so white, nigga.

Any questions, just holla. I’m here to help.


Originally published at davidfostercomedyblog.com.

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