Trapped wind

D. Goldrose
Sep 6, 2018 · 2 min read

I wonder if I have intimacy issues. There always seems to be SOMETHING getting in the way. Of sex. Physical intimacy. I haven’t had sex in…let me count the days… 575, give or take a few. I am attractive, by most standards, including my own.

Anyway, I met a guy. We did everything but. He went away to an unspecified (to you) European country. I was pretty sure he was back but I didn’t message — a pride thing…but I thought ok I will message. And he is in town (my town) where he doesn’t live, for a week, working near me…said he could come over next day…a perfect incentive to clean the house from top to toe… house clean, self clean. He arrives. We drink tea — microwaved, because I melted the kettle. A man arrives unannounced to fix the internet, which wasn’t broken. He tells me some interesting facts about people who fix internet. I’ll tell you another time (or will I). Anyway the man goes off.

We kiss on the sofa (my sofa). It is nice. I close the curtains. He goes to the loo and the moment goes too — we order food. We watch a film on the projector. It is late, and he must be up early. All is well — I can do this, I think. I brush my teeth — and then am hit with a colossal case of trapped wind.

Have you ever had trapped wind? If you didn’t know or suspect what it was, you might panic and think you had appendicitis. But I did know as I have had it twice. By now he is lying in bed, eyes sliding shut. Are you coming to bed, he asks politely. Um, I’m just having some tea. Fennel and peppermint, in the microwave. I return. I have some sort of indigestion…trapped wind. Trapped wind? Well, it’s…well it really hurts…and then you…well you fart and…it’s ok. He picks up a book. Have you read this? I haven’t but I want to (him). I haven’t either, an old man recommended it to me so I bought it (me). I go into the living room and into the kitchen and out of the front door and walk down the garden path to the far end of the garden and round the corner and lie on the concrete and do weird stretches. I burp a bit.

Why? Why now. Is there something in me so strong that doesn’t want to do this? ffs