Some days

Logic cuts through everything and my brain realizes what’s the most important thing. What’s right and wrong in the actual sense. As opposed to the slow world inside my dreamy head.

It’s so easy to be lost, shocking how it feels to be found again. There is no anxiety, no stress. I can even look at my panic episodes/ mild depression and say: survival of the fittest. I can fight these stupid notions.

Of course there are real struggles and days when it’s so hard that I have to remind myself to breathe. But these are extremely rare and manageable. Probably even ignore-worthy.

Is it stupid of me to think this way?

What can we know for sure really? In life and death and existence. Aren’t we so tiny and insignificant in the grand scheme of things?

What do I want from life? What would keep me happy and functioning at a decent pace, if not optimal? What would be the ideal output/ achievement of my life if seen as an experiment?

If the rhythmic beating of the heart was a voluntary activity, I’d have surely tried a lot of different variations. Vile foolishness? Or just love for change?

I certainly do not have an answer to any of these questions. But I am sure I can’t continue to examine my life and motivations any longer. I simply do not know the answers. Perhaps it’s better not to know. And to try different things. And learn from them.

I should divert energy outwards, towards unselfish ventures. All this introspection is making me sick.