What do I want?
For you to be my very own patronus. ;)
To you:
The last time I used a Harry potter line, I ended up dating my best friend for two years as pay back!! I am pretty certain I don’t want to do this again. Because it’s sometimes easier for people to fall for you and then 2 years later you are wondering how the heck did we end up here?! I know, love and respect him and I don’t think I can hurt him willfully. I can only be honest with him, you know. Like I can be… with you.
What do I want from life? To flirt with it, be content with all the little things it throws at me, good or bad, create a semblance of happiness for myself and get by without hurting another soul. This is all I ever wanted. To be zen. But that is, by far, the biggest struggle I have had.
To him:
Love is messy. It doesn’t have to be but it naturally steers down that road. Isn’t it better to listen to your gut and stop before you end up hurting each other even more?
You may argue that it doesn’t have to be this way but it always ends up as such. I’d rather keep the good memories we have made and treasure them for the rest of my days. It is enough to get me by the next few lifetimes, I am sure.
Relationships aren’t everyone’s cup of tea, you see… I know you will agree, for we are like minded in many things. But you are persistent and kind and I have so much to learn from you. I did too. A little bit about how it is okay to love yourself and some more about self worth and friendship and what it means to truly share yourself with someone. You filled me with happiness and positivity when I needed it most and for giving me that inner strength, I am eternally grateful.
Do we part here? I don’t know. I’m not voldemort to break away pieces of my soul and keep them hidden away in unspoken places. I’d rather keep you, all of you, in my heart, always.
It seems like I am making a choice here, to not be yours anymore… It is possible that these are the cruelest words I have ever written in my life. But you know me, don’t you? That if I could choose, I’d choose everything. Each path I did not take, enchanting, enticing, unanswered questions keeping me awake at night. Swinging between yes and no. Give me more options and I’d waste a lifetime drowning in confusion.
I wonder if it is my self destructiveness talking here…?
And then the tendency to mess up the simplest of things. For instance, sometimes you pick B even when your gut is screaming at you to choose A. But your mind is saying, we don’t really know what the right answer is… Your gut can be totally off this one time. Maybe it’s B! Try your luck just this once! And then you choose B.
And ultimately, Murphy is the winner and the correct answer was C or even D for that matter!
Do you get what I mean? I think I need a break. To figure things out. To stop overthinking and pull myself out of this confusing pit of emotions. To take things lightly, for a while.
I know I am hurting you and being the worst best friend on earth. But you have to let me do this. I know you will.
As for him, I don’t think he knows what he is dealing with here… And it is probably best that way. I am much better off without attachments. Limitless and infinite.
Free. The way I like to be. ☺
You have been my strength and anchor so far. All I want is to fly. I think you will let me.
