That’s exactly what Fran Hoepfner did. I usually write something like this privately (using Private Notes), but in this case I really want to publicly call this out.
“You’re too worried about image and appearance.” You wrote that. Well, what can I say… welcome to womanhood?
It’s unfortunate that men don’t have to worry about image and appearance a lot of the time, but it’s also true that those who do, make a much better impression and come across as more attractive and likeable than otherwise.
I think you should realise that many, many people worry about their own image and appearance privately because they know how it feels when they see someone else being so self-absorbed, going on and on about their own image and appearance. They know it comes across as being self-centred.
I want to make it clear that it’s none of my business to defend Ms Hoepfner here. I have become the fool, and there’s no way out, because advocating against mansplaining is itself an example of mansplaining. Mansplaining, therefore, is something that one has to understand himself, rather than be explained about. Trying to “be the hero” is not what I’m trying to do at all. The following is only my opinion on the matter, which again, I know is not something anybody asked for. But these are some thoughts that came in my mind, and I thought I might share them in a truthful manner.
In fact, my observation about the original Story, On being ugly by Ms Hoepfner is that it was funny, authentic and truthful. There was absolutely no pretentiousness, and her genuine observations about her own image and appearance did not feel egotistic even in the slightest.
I very much liked what she wrote, and felt rather offended by your comment, and I thought it was patronising.
You might’ve done it unknowingly, and that is the problem. I do not blame you, or hold you in less regard. What you did there is called mansplaining.
She already knows what you told her, namely, “Bachelor party — just be happy and enjoy yourself; surround yourself with good people; don’t worry about appealing to everyone,”, because she did exactly that.
All the observations she made in her post were made when she thought about it afterwards. During the bachelor party, she was having fun, being herself, and not thinking too much about anything.
To recap, whatever happened happened. I don’t blame you for it. I only request that you avoid playing into the stereotype that men are airheads who like to patronise women, by recognising when you are mansplaining.
It’s based on the word ‘explaining’, but it’s when men explain things to other people, most often women (I will refer to ‘other people, most often women’, as ‘women’ in the rest of this sentence, for the sake of brevity), that men think women don’t already know, making women feel bad because women then feel that men always assume women don’t know things, are weak, and/or need “help from the guys” to do anything).