Love or Possession or something else
Going through a breakup I had been trying to write off the thing called “love” calling it exaggerated and a capitalist product.
I was getting too critical of this “love” and was shocked to see how am I not able to get a person out of my mind and world felt like something out of my universe. It was me, myself and memories of past colouring the future and present was the frame.
I tried to find reason why I was behaving such. I am not a psychologist but have learnt that everything we do is a result of our habits which we have been embedding in us since childhood, some new some old.
I started recalling all the memories I had with this relation and all the partners for whom I grew this feeling. I recalled how I fell in love for the first time,under which circumstances and why I don’t felt any attachment with that person anymore. I started observing how this word called “love” , especially that girl-boy thing, is dominantly used and celebrated primarily over any other relational love. Yes we do have days such as father days, mother days for showing our love to our parents and similarly friendship days for friends.
But when I look at the movies we makes and the music we write everything puts that boy-girl relationship over any other relationship. Yes, when it comes to mother days, friendship days and other such days we are bombarded with campaigns from chocolate companies to show our love to the loved ones with chocolates. Commercial.
I kept going on I started giving each and every reason to find similarity between how our minds have been programmed by the society and developed an artificial perception towards life, religion, education, career, politics and everything, including this love.
What amazed me how the innocence of a childhood get buried under the exposure of our adult life. No wonder why the small kids of age 3 or 4 years sometimes need a girlfriend or boyfriend, and we call it “awwww, how cute”. And yes they don’t understand the psychology why we adults needs company of other adult or adults. They just try to act like they are no less than their parents or the people they see on TV kissing and cuddling each other with a sense of ownership.
And so many other arguments had made my belief concrete that we are not born to fall in love but we are made to fall in love. Enough material to accept that our emotions has been rigged
I was pretty confident that I would debunk this whole concept of girl-boy love, the exaggerated one, until I found a thin line between the love and “possession”.
It started when I thought about how this love is different from other love? or in right words, how our relationships differs from person to person?
“I need you”, “I want you” these are the common words we use while confessing the importance we feel for a person. And it sounds like we want “to have” that person in our life. Thats a clear feeling of possession. And this is from where the word “possessive” comes in relationship when one of the partner don’t like to see the other partner hanging out with other people. Reasons could be obsession or insecurity.
And this is where the relationships differ from each other because we have different reservations with each relation whether its with our friends, family or teachers. But the feeling of possession remains there. And when we see the people who we want to possess are possessed by some other person than it genuinely raises an alarm which drives people to jealousy, sadness and obsessiveness. It’s natural to feel little jealous or insecure if one of your friend start giving attention to some other person. And the intensity of this jealousy or insecurity grows with the rise in intensity of possessiveness for a person.
This is why only we can feel the joy and pain we are experiencing while the rest can only wish us or pray for us. Because its our possession and they can’t feel the intensity.
Another case, watching a movie and crying over an emotional scene? Not because you are really into movie and crying for the characters but actually we relate ourselves and other people to those character and bring out an image how are we going to feel if it happens to us. That is our mind at work and tears are down the cheeks. We are crying because we are feeling that pain in the real time and since our sub-conscious mind can’t differentiate between reality and illusion it support us and generate all those emotions and tears as the by product. We are smiling or crying for our own purpose. To hell with actors.
But yes we do feel happy and sad for some person we are seeing for the first time because we instantly connect with the person and want that person to be happy. Eventually turning that person’s wellbeing as our own possession. For ex. watching a homeless main in poor condition, watching the suffering of the people in the terrorism stricken countries.
Now when we say possession, can we expand this idea to material things which we all try to possess?
I would say it depends on the mindset of the person. Attachment to material is similar to attachment with the people, except that here we do not take material more serious than people. Meeting a charming person or losing a person affect us deeply in both positive an negative way and our actions are guided by that happiness or sadness.
But in case of Materials we don’t take them much seriously though having them or losing them make them happy or sad respectively but these emotions fade away easily and really don’t drive us which reflect on our actions. For ex. Buying a new smartphone makes us happy and accomplished but then after few weeks our interest starts to fade away. Similarly you might have lost your wallet somewhere with all your credit cards, minutes or few hours of frustration then everything comes down to normal, of course it remains in mind for sometime.
So possession isn’t just about people, relationship or material it covers each and everything which we try to get a hold on.
Be it a yogi who meditates for hours and lives a humble life, he wants to possess the wisdom which he can use for the betterment of his life as well as others.
Be it a manual labour sweating in the fields, to possess the money in order to take care of his family.
Be it a social activist who work in the poverty stricken area, he or she wants to possess this feeling of a fulfilled life by working on the cause which matters him or her.
Be it a scientist who has spent most of his life in the lab with the experiment and bundles of papers he has written, to have the possession of the knowledge and that feeling of discovering the hidden facts.
Be it anything be it anyone. This feeling of possession drive us and it attaches us with each and everything we love or despise.
All the books I have read and so far I remember, each one of them mentions what drives a person to perform. The sense of “being important”, in the eyes of own and others but its a different matter how we handle it in real life. Some gives more consideration to other’s eyes while some live with a “I give a damn!” thought and care about only what they think about themselves.
But then why sometimes we do something knowing its wrong?
I am not sure but I think this “possessive” feeling drives us to get the things done whether its right or wrong.
Saying this, I do not feel anymore that girl-boy love is fabricated but yes its a highly marketable product to which we fell for it more than anything. Those who do understand it and doesn’t give it a much higher priority than other relationships, pursue the higher purposes.
This girl-boy love exists just like any other love or attachment in the universe. The only thing which makes it special is the fuel provided by the environment we live in.