Relationships Are Complicated
It is great to meet old friends and by all grace of making efforts to stay in touch, I met a couple (also, my friends) yesterday who were sharing with me the sweet-bitter instances of their marriage. As I went on to listen to them I could not help but think about the developments of a relationship and the advances of an I to a We. I thought it would be wonderful to share what I thought about the same and give you an outlet to draw cues and also for you to give me back in words what you thought about the same.
1. Yin and Yang
People say you should be with somebody who is similar to yours. People also say opposites attract. While both can be good to certain people I have found that a relationship that has the yin yang components is beautiful. Two people cannot think alike. Life affects each person a different way. You could have ten people in the same room all who have had identical life experiences but each of them will somewhere feel a different way — no matter how dysfunctional or unsatisfactory it be to others. Sure, they can relate, but all do not think alike. Yes, two people in a relationship can fight just like a couple does, but by the end of it if they are not able to see the other side of the coin, they cannot grow and realise that both were seeing in the same direction but with a different perspective. You need not be poles apart in your approach to life or situations — but fragments of differences will always be there — it is only a coherent approach to accept it.
2. Y U no fight!
I hate fighting. I hate conflict. I hate emotional upset. I hate it when my partner is upset. I hate all the bad feelings that come up for me when arguing. I hate saying things I later regret. I hate hearing hurtful things my partner says. I hate using the word hate so much.
Yes, might sound strange but many people are conflict avoidant, but not everyone. No matter how avoidant you be or at least try to be — you will have your fights and disagreements. Fair or foul, fighting is something all couples do. But for an argument to be effective (rather than destructive) it pays to know what’s behind the ire. Most people who are in love fight. Not us, you’re saying? Give it time: Chances are serious disagreements will pop up eventually. It could be that you and your partner are in the midst of a prolonged infatuation period, wherein little about your mate bothers you enough to hash it out — yet. Or it might be that you’re assiduously avoiding conflict, afraid it means something is terribly wrong with your relationship. How do you expect your relationship to grow out of sweet talks and hanging out on weekends all the time? Most of us shift into a win-lose mode in an argument because we subconsciously expect an argument to have a clear winner and loser, we line up all of our ‘evidence’ as though we’re going before a jury. We focus on the idea of winning the fight. You might juggle your days between fighting on silly things to big issues, to having a peaceful time and so far I have realised — it is completely normal.
3. So tell me your dreams…
I will tell you this with personal experience — sometimes you gotta make an effort to talk. There might be long periods of extra work or other commitments but if you take your relationship seriously you have got to give time to talk. Sometimes you might think “what the fuck are we discussing? This conversation is going nowhere.” It is okay! It could be anything — the interior of your house, exchanging wishlist on Amazon, how your work cultures are different, new food outlets in town you plan to visit, dirty talks, new sex positions, something about him/her you have been liking/disliking lately — anything on this earth but make sure it be something involving the two of you, not others. You have gotta give time to talk! If you are not making efforts to communicate from the very beginning — there will come a time when you will realise you hardly talk anymore. Why make effort to talk from the very beginning? Well, it might be all blossoming and sweet in the dating phase but efforts need to be made from the very beginning — that is the only way it would become a habit for you in the long run.
As I said you have gotta talk to each other. No matter how well you know and love each other, you cannot read your partner’s mind. We need to communicate clearly to avoid misunderstandings that may cause hurt, anger, resentment or confusion. It takes two people to have a relationship and each person has different communication needs and styles. Couples need to find a way of communicating that suits their relationship. Healthy communication styles require practice and hard work, however communication will never be perfect all the time. Be clear when communicating with your partner, so that your message can be received and understood. Double check your understanding of what your partner is saying. It is okay to misunderstand them sometimes — but make sure to tell them what you think about it!
4. Sex is my need, don’t call me a despo
He wants more sex and she doesn’t. He says he needs sex to feel close and she doesn’t see why her snuggling, cuddling and stuff she does around the house doesn’t do it for him. She says she needs to feel close first to have sex and he doesn’t see why sex doesn’t help her to feel close.
Everyone has urges, like hunger urges, sleep urges, even sexual needs are necessary and biological in nature. According to me, it’s difficult for a relationship to survive without sex and I think sometimes sex comes before love. A lot of people face challenges in their married life — one important byproduct of it is quit having sex. The effect of it on the psychology of a person can be very very challenging. If you’re sexually frustrated you’d feel resentment towards your partner because of not being intimate, a result of which would be decaying of your love. Of course, there are the health benefits of sex but most importantly, sex is a necessity and expecting it from your partner does not make you desperate but a human being. Just a simple act of sex could change the dynamics of a relationship, even if it be makeup sex.
Not only does sex set you and your partner apart from simply being roommates, it also requires a deeper level of communication that you don’t normally do with just anyone. Sex requires you to talk to each other about intimate, emotional things. For example, to have a truly intimate experience with your partner, you need to tell them where you like to be touched, and make requests for certain things. This requires that you both feel a comfort level with each other that you’ve never felt with anyone else before. It requires you to both become very vulnerable by asking, receiving and giving sexually.
5. Let’s do something different this weekend. What do you think?
How many times have you heard that a strong marriage has ended because they “just stopped loving each other”? Can that feeling actually stop being felt, or are we just not doing enough to maintain it? Could it be that we neglect love too much and don’t realize what our greatest struggles are? Without a doubt, routine and monotony are two of the reasons why couples fight, separate, or get divorced. Think for a moment, What do we do when we’re bored? We look for something to entertain us. Well, something similar occurs in love and routine. If we give and get the same thing every time, and that begins to bore us, it will be easier to want to find fun somewhere else. Life can become ever so serious and predictable when you have bills to pay and a job to do. You may have little control over that. However, you can change your routine completely in other ways. For example: if you both like the cinema, go to a theatre performance instead. If you like going to gigs, go to an opera. If you like watching movies at home, go for a six-mile hike. Instead of going to a football match, go to a tennis match. If you like clubbing, how about ballroom dancing for a complete change? You cannot do something new everyday — once a while breaking away from the monotony does not hurt either.
6. Can we brainstorm together on this?
Write down any ideas you can think of to change your regular pattern, however silly it might initially seem. You could teach each other a bit of your work, or may be make plans to meet your family/ friends for dinner/lunch next week, or holiday plans for the year, games you would start playing from next month, new fitness routine, online wishlist — it could be anything on this earth — as long their is teamwork in it. Oh! Another thing.. do make each other feel special with a surprise or a gift every now and then — money does not matter as long as it touches the heart well.
It is okay to feel in a rut once a while or feel yawn-y in your relationship once a while! There are always ways to inject some energy in your relationship. You need to realise there is a reason they are your chosen one. Otherwise what separates them from the rest?
No matter their race, religion, shape, size, or age, long term couples the world over suffer from the same problem, and that is monotony. Perhaps this is why breakups are so easy and divorce rates are skyrocketing, and more people are justifying their actions and blaming “irreconcilable differences” for this. I will not pretend to know why couples break up. Every story is different, and everybody is entitled to their own reasons for leaving. However, there is no denying that boredom and the irrepressible weight of tedium have a part to play in some relationships falling apart. The whole point of being in love and dedicating your life to someone is being under the impression that you will spend a lifetime of laughter, joy, love, and companionship together. What happens when you wake up one morning and realize that your ideals were replaced by endless continuity, repetition, and mind-numbing monotony? This is the point when you start getting resentful, bored, angry, and ready to pack up and leave.
You cannot run away from things to say it is the solution. Until and unless you have given your 100% and yet reached the worst of times, it is mere stupidity and immaturity to say “it is not working out”. Try and make efforts, nothing in this world comes easy — and every great thing in life needs efforts and adjustments — so does love.
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