Post 4: My Earliest Memory
I haven’t done this in a long time. Images of my past race through my head as I attempt to recollect my earliest memory. A smile creeps up on my face as I relive the past. I begin to panic a bit when I realize…much of my past life is blank–erased from my memory. How can this be? I have always prided myself on having a good memory.
When I do this, part of me is confused. Are these “memories” that I am recalling truly memories? Much of the sensations, feelings, and thoughts in those moments are gone. They are merely images, which urges me to consider the fact that some memories may just be pictures from my childhood that I am remembering. My brain digs deeper and deeper though, earlier and earlier, and I think I’ve finally found it, my earliest memory.
Funny enough, I’ve actually replayed this image in my head throughout my life so that I would never lose it. It almost looks like I’m watching myself on a historic television set. For some reason, it has always stuck with me.
I am 16 years younger. My younger sister was recently just been born into this world, but we are not together. My mother and father work in two different countries. She’s with my mother in our modest Cleveland, Ohio home. I am all the way on the other side of the world, separated by vast oceans. I see three-year-old me, sitting on a dark couch in the living space of my father’s apartment in Beijing. At the time, my mother was unable to take care of both my sister and I while working a full-time job. The only option they had left was for my dad to bring me to China and stay with him where he works. In my memory, I am holding a tasty treat in my hand–candied hawthorne, bing tang hulu.
For those of you who are unfamiliar, bing tang hulu is primarily made of a fruit called hawthorne, or shan zha. It’s coated in a waxy sugar and sprinkled with sesame seeds. The coating is super sticky and can make it uncomfortable to chew with your teeth, but the fruits are delicious. Most importantly, to this day, having this dessert in China brings back my earliest memory.
Outside of this mental image, I am unable to form a scene of this memory. I don’t know what happened two seconds before or after. Much of this time is completely blank, and to this day, I can only remember eating tang hulu during that trip. I have actually told my parents on numerous occasions about that memory whenever tang hulu is brought up, but they sometimes doubt that my memory is real (it has to be real).
In some ways, this early memory is a realistic glimpse into my family structure throughout my childhood. My mother and father have spent most of their time post-children separated by employment. My father would spend around one month at a time in either China or America before traveling again. Whenever I was in China with him, he would do the most to treat me with good food and desserts, symbolized by the tang hulu. I remember several years ago staying with him over the summer in his Nanjing apartment and frequenting a milkshake shop in a neighboring plaza. Somehow, I always find my home in a dessert in China.
My sister being in America and me being in China when we were younger is funnily enough still representative of our connections to our heritage. Even till now, I have pursued studying Chinese language and culture, whereas my sister has shied away from doing so. I much prefer Chinese cuisine, whereas my sister also favors American just as much. Our younger days have truly shaped the way we are now.
For me, the process of remembering my earliest memory had a large impact on me, not necessarily identifying which memory came first. I’ve realized that even though I am still a teenager, I’ve forgotten many parts of my life, even significant events; holidays, vacations, birthdays, etc. Upon reflection, I want to keep a journal of sorts to keep track of my thoughts, feelings, and images of significant events that occur in my life. I used to keep a dream journal but that’s another story…