My Experience with the “Empty Nest”

Letting go of your children at this stage is really hard. But it does get easier.

If you ever have gone through the “empty nest” you will appreciate what I’m about to say. To have a child leave home and head off to college or move into their first apartment is one of the hardest things a parent can go through. Especially if you only have one child. Like me.

Being a single mom was hard, but it had rewards.

I raised my daughter all by myself for 20 years. I divorced her biological father when she was 4 months old. He had already abandoned us, it was just a matter of making the separation legal. And the one thing I knew I wanted was a place of our own, just me and her.

In the 20 years I raised her, we had so much fun together and became so close. Sometimes too close. It often felt like a sisterly relationship which often times made parental decisions hard for me. We did everything together. She even slept in my bed until she was about 10!

I went to every soccer game, play, concert, swim meet, and gymnastics meet she had. We had fun birthday parties and made our own special traditions for holidays.

As she got older, we spent our time together laughing, shopping, watching movies, going to the beach, going to concerts and just making happy memories.

I didn’t date very much because of her and I believe that is why it was extra hard for me when she was ready to leave. I had such a hard time finding a decent person to invite into our lives. I just gave it up all together when she got into high school and devoted those last 4 years to her.

Graduation meant it was getting close. And I was scared.

After graduating high school she talked a lot about moving out with friends. I didn’t think she was ready, but she wanted it really bad. After several conversations and a few fights later, she moved out and let me tell you, there was there was a huge void! I no longer heard her footsteps upstairs or music coming from her room. I didn’t hear her giggling on the phone with her friends or her asking me from the top of the stairs how my day was. I no longer saw her sitting on top of the kitchen counter watching me cook dinner, or see her on the couch glued to her computer watching YouTube videos. I missed listening to her rant about her day or tell me all about what her and her friends were up to. My life felt so empty without my little buddy. She was my best friend for 20 years. Her room was empty now and I couldn’t bare to even go upstairs anymore. I cried every night and at work I had to take frequent breaks to compose myself. Although I had my 4 dogs to keep me company, her presence was definitely missed.

It was almost nine months before I started feeling bettter about her being gone. Which is so ironic…that is how long a fetus stays in the womb.

Staying busy helped, but I still missed her so much.

I had to stay busy during those nine months. I worked a lot and came home to an empty house. So I had to find find reasons to clean the house even if it was already clean. I took the dogs to the dog park. I read a lot and hung out with my frineds. We went to the gym and met up for drinks.

Letting go was really hard. We went from seeing each other everyday to seeing each other once a week. At first we talked everyday on the phone, then it dwindled down to a few times a week. I had to have self control with this. I tried my hardest not call her everyday. I had to let go of being the one who took care of her and let her figure it out on her own. I knew she wanted space and a chance to give it a go. It was hard not knowing where she was all the time and not having a say in what she did. At night when I laid in bed, I cried because I missed her so much and because she was no longer in the house with me. She was out doing her own thing. Man, was it hard!

It’s been well over a year since she has moved out and I still miss her so much! I miss the days it was her & I against the world. My heart still breaks a little when I see a picture of us from an old trip to the beach or Disney World. But I am so proud of her! She has a good job and her own place. She has a nice boyfriend and is taking college classes online. I will always cherish the days we had together as a family and I am so grateful for them too!

So my advice to any of you going through something similar. You have to stay busy. Go out with friends, go to the gym, or take up a hobby. Something you always wanted to do but were afraid to do or didn’t have the time for.

Give them some space and they’ll come back around. Rememeber what it was like to move out of your parents house for the first time? Yeah, I do too…it was pretty awesome! Also, write about it! I journal eveyday and writing here on Medium helps too. Especially if you reach out to someoene who needs to hear that everything is going to be ok.

It will get easier. Just hang in there! And remember, you did your job as a parent. Now its their turn to take on the world!