How to Create Meaningful Relationships
And what stops us?
Human beings are universally wired for one thing — vital connection with one another. It is in our DNA and it is as strong as we need food, warmth and water.
It is imperative for our mental health to have a true connection with other humans. To have intimate conversations with eye contact and touch, an empathetic heart in the presence of others and open ears when asking someone about their well-being both in and out of their professional lives.
“Most of us will have many friends throughout our lifetimes — friends of all shapes, sizes, and callings. Many of these are wonderful, meaningful friendships. Some are difficult. But some magic few of these are connections that have gone right to our soul.” — An extract from Soul Friends by Stephen Cope
In my last article, I discussed how social media has had such an impact on our social fabric that digital connection has now been the alternative to natural interactions as human beings. Much of the digital age has severed the way we connect; fostering inauthentic facades but — with help, guidance and support — I am here to offer some insight and a guide to creating meaningful relationships.
1. Know Yourself First
Understanding ourselves is the first step towards understanding others. We must understand our likes, dislikes, strengths and weaknesses —To be grounded with our own feelings — becoming self-aware is crucial because it enables us to build a life around them.
Questions to help you discover your strengths/weaknesses:
- What are my values?
- What am I grateful for? / What displeases or stresses me?
- What is my primary love language? / What love language am I not acquainted with?
- What excites me and lights my fire? / What activities drain my energy?
- What’s my story? / What is the biggest failure that I have ever experienced? (& how have I learnt from it?)
Once we have determined our strengths and weaknesses, we will want to work on enhancing them, working on our weaknesses will no longer be considered vulnerable topics — we won’t take it so personally.
“Beauty is being comfortable in your own skin. It’s about knowing and accepting who you are.” — Ellen DeGeneres
The best gift of connection is permission to be ourselves.
Be honest about your own feelings and encourage the other person to do the same. Be vulnerable! The more honest and open you are about your own emotions the more you invoke others to be. As soon as you are willing to open up to yourself, others will open up to you and only then can you discover - together.
2. Telling the Truth
Telling the truth in a friendship is not easy. Something altogether new is required: Real constancy. Reliability.
Truth is everything! Finding someone who is interested in exploring the truth of things. The truth — beyond convention. The truth beyond stereotypical thinking.
We are often afraid of speaking about the problems in our minds. It is human nature to want people to think well of us than to discuss what makes us feel vulnerable. Myself, in particular, sometimes in a bad mood, like to keep that negative energy bottled up so it prevents others from feeling the same emotional distress.
“I just want to be sure of you because I am risking a great deal telling you the truth.”
It took me a long time to realise that we suffer more often in our imagination than in reality. Whenever I summoned up the courage to discuss the issue, I immediately felt heard.
“A problem shared is a problem halved.” — Michael Lim
Grief is the outward and visible sign of true attachment. In fact, you’ll never really know — fully, viscerally — how attached you are to someone until you have to negotiate the grief process for them. Talking about the tough topics is almost identical to sharing secrets. A different level of intimacy is to truly envision yourself in your friend’s shoes.
It was a rare feeling, but rarer is still the friend who feels brave enough, engaged enough, safe enough to share what they feel.
3. Be Present, Be Engaged
As life accelerates, people’s priorities and responsibilities shift. We create routines for ourselves, we are busy working a 9–5 job, some have a family to take care of. There is a significantly higher demand for effort in relationships.
We have all heard of the phrase, ‘Effort is a two-way street.’ Any friendship or relationship is a two-way street — however — if we want to strengthen the core of our relationships, we need to put in the work ourselves.
“Do not let your ego get in the way of your friendships, for he who thinks he is better than others, ends up alone.” — Anonymous
To deepen and strengthen our communication skills we must be engaged to exchange energy and information.
Too often I witness people in a restaurant sitting across the table from each other and instead of staring at each other, they’re staring at their phones. What is worse is that they’re not absorbing anything — their thumb is on autopilot pursuing an endless scroll.
If you use your phone during a conversation, it signals boredom, that you would rather be elsewhere or that whatever is happening on your phone is more essential than the relationship. What is more important than the person who is present and right in front of you? Put the phone away! Don’t even leave it on the table! Out of sight, out of mind.
Okay, rant over —As I was saying, the most effective way to discover another underlying needs and interests is to ask pertinent, open-ended questions:
- What are some of your goals and priorities right now?
- What are the biggest obstacles you’re experiencing at work or in your life?
- What big news have you had since the last time we spoke?
- Why is this important to you?
- How does that make you feel?
Be engaged, be curious, be invested. Like gasoline and fire to each other but intellectually.
4. The Art of Listening
“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” — Epictetus, Greek Philosopher
In my opinion, listening is one of the most powerful tools we have as human beings. It’s one thing to sit and make eye contact with the person speaking to you — But are you really absorbing what they’re saying? And moreover, are you responding in a way that communicates that you’re actually listening – that you have something worthwhile to say in return?
When we show respect for other people’s idea, they’re more likely to reciprocate. They’re also more likely to continue sharing their ideas with you, “Thank you for listening, if anything happens you’ll be the first to know.” — JACKPOT! A sign that will foster growth and increase the likelihood of creating meaningful relationships.
Good listening allows us to demonstrate that we are paying attention to the thoughts, feelings and behaviours of the other person. Essentially seeing the world through their eyes.
“Seek first to understand, then to be understood,” — Addressed in Habit 5 in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey
When listening, allow the other person to get to their point, their story, their compliment and even their criticism before you interrupt. Let them get it out completely.
Before preparing for our response, ask more about what they said. Further clarify your understanding of the situation. Get engaged. Understand — what and why? By learning to listen we learn to ask great questions.
6 Phrases to Demonstrate Active Listening:
- “Do you mean?”
It’s important to get the full story from the person you’re listening to and ensuring that you understand them correctly. By asking for clarification, you’re not only encouraging more details from them but you’re making sure you heard the statement that was intended. - “It sounds like…”
This phrase helps provide clarification by demonstrating your empathy. - “Really?”
Encouraging the person speaking that you’re paying attention and you wish for them to elaborate something they’ve said to you. - “I’ve noticed that.”
Here’s another term that shows how much you have been paying attention. By pointing out your observation about someone’s behaviour or tendencies. - “Let me make sure I got this right.”
Checking in with your counterpart to summarize what you’ve heard, by repeating back something to the person you’re listening to. - “I’m sorry. That really sucks.”
One of the most impactful things you can do is verbally acknowledge how crummy the situation is. Rather than invalidating the person’s emotions by immediately launching into suggestions, you’re pausing to provide empathy.
Seeking real understanding affirms the other person and what they have to say. That’s what they want. That’s what we all want — to be understood, to be valued and to be heard.
A wise old owl sat in an oak,
The more he heard, the less he spoke;
The less he spoke, the more he heard;
Why aren’t we all like that wise old bird? —Edward Hersey Richards
5. The value of being ‘heard’
Loneliness — is a subjective state of negative feelings about having a lower level of social contact than desired. Loneliness has been linked to premature death, poor physical and mental health and general dissatisfaction with life particularly concerning social interactions (Australian Psychological Society 2018).
This kind of loneliness, defined by an absence of meaningful relationships, now plagues nearly half of all Americans. One in five Americans now report having no one to talk to when going through difficult times. Isolation is so severe that former U.S Surgeon General Vivek Murthy recently declared ‘loneliness’ as a public health crisis.
It is clear that loneliness is at the core of our crisis and we must consider what contributes to happiness and human flourishing.
Many of us spend our adult lives looking for safe harbours in which we can feel physically held, emotionally held and spiritually held — to be seen and felt.
We want someone to listen to us and understand that what we are sharing has deeper levels of meanings — to accept us without judgement. We want people to acknowledge our feelings. Our sufferings to be understood, our anxieties noticed, our wins celebrated. We’re not looking for people to agree with our feelings but we are looking for someone to validate them.
These conversation statements make you feel felt:
- “I can hear that you must …”
- “You must be feeling so …”
- “I can understand completely that …”
- “I can recognise how you must feel …”
Having others see you in your purest form, verifies your sense of self. It provides you with a sense of identity. When we freely express ourselves and the other person shows a sincere curiosity to understand our perspective, we stumble into a precise frequency of feeling held, soothed, accepted— the alignment of minds.
When others recognise you and your intentions, you’re empowered to attempt and accomplish tasks you otherwise might not have been driven to do. This occurs because feeling understood creates a sense of social belonging and acceptance, activating areas in the brain associated with connection and reward, enhancing personal goal pursuit.
Feeling truly understood or ‘heard’ results when someone recognises an individuals traits, preferences, desires and abilities the same way the individual recognises those factors in themselves. By understanding the core aspect of who they are as a person and how they experience the world.
Concluding Thoughts
When we learn to love ourselves the way we are, we allow ourselves to grow, to mature, to feel safe enough to be seen and heard by others without apology — without fear. Until then, there is a possibility of even more growth. Growth through another human being, an interested, attuned human being.
It is a rare and lovely thing; and it reminds me that in moments of growth, we find out who we are in part of who we are attracted to. By who we are fascinated with. In these times of self-discovery, we recreate our narrative, we reinvent ourselves.
We find someone who keeps coming back to us; who challenges us’ who is bigger, stronger, more masterful than we are; who is at least one step ahead; who pushes us to be our better selves and who does not let us off the hook.
Writer’s Note
I am indebted to Daniel Tran for his help and inspiration. Who purchased and sent me the book via post, ‘Soul Friends’ by Stephen Cope which has inspired the nature and potential of this article. This article could not have been written without him.I also want to thank Michael Lim for encouraging me to go back to my creative roots. To write what inspires me. To put pen to paper. To hunt activities that ‘sets my soul on fire’. I could not have pursued this journey of being a writer without him.
Also, follow my twitter account @dxinspires — I post daily diverse content about blog posts, podcasts, quotes, videos and news on motivational and self-development topics.
- D.Q
