TIME FOR A REALITY CHECK?

Okay, I think it’s time for some reality. Why has it dawned on so few people — duh — that the only thing we can control are our thoughts? This has been a Zen truth since the Year One.

No matter how well-intentioned you may be, you can’t control someone else or their thoughts. Oh, sure you could tie them up and keep them in a dark basement, but that surely couldn’t be your goal.

I frequently hear others lamenting some event or situation, actually obsessing over something PAST TENSE. History is carved in stone. it can’t be changed. “I just can’t stop thinking about it, “ they say. That’s because they either can’t control their thoughts or they’re letting what Zen teachers call “monkey mind”, run-away thoughts play crack-the-whip with their minds. Or, even worse, they CHOOSE to keep beating that dead horse.

It’s difficult to understand why anyone would keep rewinding and rerunning the same video through their head, knowing full-well that it will always have the same bad ending. The healthy attitude would be to learn from the hard lesson and move on with some positive insight for the future. But that’s usually easier said than done.

Is there something in your past that you can’t let go of? Death of a loved one, a lost job, your house burned down with no insurance, the love of your life left you for someone else? Those are hard to take but you can recover. If you’re having trouble, perhaps it’s because you haven’t figured out what the one thing you need to be most concerned about.

Are you too self-involved? how about selfish? Most people would probably deny that possibility to their last breath. The need to focus on and contribute to something bigger than yourself is a good place to start.

According to Guy Finley, author of “The Secret of Letting Go”, based on recent research at Florida State University, “You don’t need strength to let go of something, what you really need is understanding.” He compares our inner selves to hot air balloons, always trying to soar, but we hold them down by not letting go of angry attitudes, wasteful wishes and harmful habits that lure us with false promises of strength.

Accepting and surrendering to reality doesn’t come naturally to us. But turning the past over and over, chewing on each detail, only causes more stress and emotional turmoil, sleepless nights, problems at work and home, and depression. Hoo, boy, depression can trigger a serious, downward spiral.

Wayne Hochwarter, professor at Florida State University’s College of Business, says, “At some point, both the bad and the good need to be whisked away and the future needs to be the priority.” This applies to your personal life as well as your career.

It helps to avoid other people who are stuck in the past. Get away from that misery-loves-company trap. Instead, hang out with cheerful people whose company is aimed forward.

It’s good to learn to be resilient. Of course, that doesn’t happen overnight. The path to resilience includes reading about people who have great challenges to reach their goals, joining a support group and trying new things you’ve never done before.

Five Ways To Let Go Of The Past

1. Make the conscious decision to let the hurtful past go.
2. Express your pain/anger to someone qualified to listen.
3. Stop playing the victim and blaming others. You have the choice right now to start feeling good and take responsibility for your own happiness. Like James Altucher urges, “Choose yourself.”
4. Focus on the present. When your thoughts creep back to old bad/sad memories(and they will)gently bring yourself back to the here and now. You know, the first day of the rest of your life.
5. Forgive the person, the group, Fate or the Universe — and don’t forget to forgive yourself. “I forgive myself for giving power over me to someone else.” Forgiveness isn’t a weakness. It’s an element of self-preservation.

Don’t let anger or grief define your life. Do something different today and welcome the warm, reassuring feeling of happiness back into your life.