Everyone’s got an opinion

But it really doesn’t matter

Tonight for the first time in my whole adult life, I left my house to purposely get some ‘me’ time. This isn’t a task I usually do. I fact my time in the evenings is spent unwinding from a day filled with noice, hollering and endless questions. My time in the evenings is put into my relationship with my husband. Just like my day time hours, my evening hours are spent doing things with others. There is noting wrong with this. Not one thing! But I know I need more. I know I deserve more. And I know that if I want my life to get better, I have to spend time, quiet time, to listen to my hearts whispers. I have to have alone time.

This is not a new revolation. This is not new ground. Plenty of brilliant people will tell you the same reasons for carving out alone time. Research supports journaling, meditating, quietness in nature, getting away from stress. Whole industries are dedicated to helping people find their special space of stillness through out the day. My reasons are many for neglecting this time. Yet my reasons for starting a new practice are far more important.

I drove out into the country. There is a little church, right at a cross roads. I decided to go there and sit in the setting sun. I sat up my timer (30 minutes), searched you tube for a 5 minute meditation to help me get into the flow. I didn’t write anything grand. I didn’t find any new ah ha moments. Just simple, stillness, birds, frogs and the occasional car. As I was well into my time, a van pulled up and informed me there was no parking here.

It triggered me.

Not a violent trigger. Not a stomach churning trigger. But I felt instant shame, rejection. There was no reason this needed to happen. None. There were no signs posted, nothing was blocking the entrance and there is never anyone there. Yet tonight, the first night I have purposely left to help me, I run into external resistance. I moved my car. There was no need to make strangers, with an unknown agenda for telling me about an unposted requierment, mad.

Being the person I am, I simply parked 20 feet away from the church entrance next to long grass and a grove of trees. I was not on a through road, no one lives there any longer and for all intensive purposes I was not violating any ones anything. But as I continued to write, tears, hot tears streamed down my face. It could have been my lightly sun burned face. But they were like slick oil, pooling under my chin and dripping down onto my chest. I was so sad, that my time that I chose to do something with was interupted. Why does this matter even? Do I or should I care about where strangers want me to park?! Should I let a simple “there’s no parking here” get to me? Should I abide by rules I don’t even know exist? Should I continue to make excuses for not doing things I want to because other people have rules against it?

Fuck no.

As I took my time pulling out into the street. Those people were outside. My anger welled, but this anger was not at them. I was angry because I allowed a simple thing to cause me great emotional swing. I was angry because I cared about what they wanted and I complied. But ya know what, I don’t give 2 fucks what those people think. My time is precious and I will no longer waste it on what other people think. I will no longer weight the crowd’s opinion of me or my dealings. I will no longer seek or ask for permission to do what I feel is right. I will not look over my shoulder or ask what if.

I looked up at the sky and found that it was amazing and beautiful and it was a sign. Isn’t everything a sign when you say so? Well I took this as a sign, that the time I spent honoring me and my needs was time well spent. I took the colors of the sky and brought them in. I am complete without others opinions. I am in no need for external validation or approval. I am whole just as I come. I recenter and release when I need to and I adjust when I have to. Just like that parking lot. I moved out of the way of space (cause no one was physically there anyway) and I moved into a more appropriate space that was even more conducive to my journaling goals.

Sure those people triggered me, sure they have opinions about who can park in a parking lot. But it really has nothing to do with me. It really isn’t my business to know their ‘why’s’. And as long as I am away from the strangeness that those people brought to that parking lot, it does not concern me. So I released it and gave no fucks and drove home, happy that I *actually did something for me*.

And as I honored this time. I was sent another sign. Peace, love and attentiveness. 2 bucks, fuzzy antlered deer were waiting for me in a secluded corner of my drive home. Animals that the Creator sent to me. Just to me (there was no one else around so I’m claiming it lol). To understand what animals might mean to you energetically, spiritually and metaphysically, Google totem animal or metaphysical meaning if deer or deer spirit animal. This was just for me and it *is* for you too. I proclaimed out loud my love for those deer, my windows were down and they didn’t flench. I said it louder the second time and an ear flickered and a head slightly turned to look up the road. But still they looked me straight in my eyes, as I looked into theirs.

See deeper meaning, seek deeper meaning, live more on purpose and give no fucks.