I don’t like being told what to do

When I get a message: trust

I’m supposed to write again. I can do this. I know this. I have been avoiding this. You see, I have a trust issue. Yep, I’m as honest as they get. Some time brutal, not rude, just to the point and ON point.

I can look back, over the last 8 months and tell you when I was writing and when I was not. It’s so obvious. When I feel in control and things start to line up, my mind chatter, dreams and musings find a home on paper. I recognize connections in the signs I see and the conversations I’m having are all like themed. My ability to connect is hightened and my steps become more confident regardless of unknowns. I become more of who I am when I write. I bring my more authentic self out and allow truth to be. This flow feels like home, it feels cozy and any personal storm can he weathered. The alignment I want in my life comes through me and onto paper, my writing.

Here’s an example of the clues I recieve. A friend online said she wanted to get her child a Reem of paper for his birthday the same day I said it in real life. Another one is, people talking about emotional abuse and narcissism the same day I have deep conversations about it, these relate to bringing forward positive personality traits. And yet one more example, is again having my next step revealed as one word: write.

Yet I have spent a large amount of 2016 NOT writing. Yes life seems to be a bit less chaotic and a tiny bit more organized, when I write. But still no actions were amounting to forward movement or even held an inkling of optimism. Lots of down times this year. First within the single self/perspective/soul/ ‘me’, and larger in societal chaos and shifts in thoughts and actions of whole people groups. When you work so hard at getting your mind right, you heart aligned and your body moving, with all the energy that it takes to move that amount of stuff through, yet the results are dismal… it’s plain discouraging.

So like many other sensitive people I just gave up. I quit. There was no more go- juice in my heart to get up and ‘fight the good fight’ for myself or my spirit work. So stopping what I was doing, was completly mandatory.

I demanded to stop the struggle.

The energy of my life and the world made it so that I was held in place and forced to look around and feel things.

To say that the last 8 months have been frustrating, would be a monumental down play of the experiances of the places I have had to travel within myself. Doing deep work, soul searching, learning vast amounts of information, radical forgiveness, finding my identity, all these things are tough to go through. And when I don’t write, I feel stuck. But back to that trust issue…

I have an issue with my own trust within myself. That’s where everything stems from any way, in me. The love I can feel, the acceptance I long for, the life I want, that all comes from basic themes in the ‘now’. They (whoever they are) say that you can’t trust your feelings right? Cause they change so much. Right? Well that has not been my experiance. Infact when I ignore my feelings, just like when I stop writing, my life dips into chaos and I take a trip down the spiral. I don’t write because I have a hard time trusting myself and those around me. Then I wallow in my feelings longer, they stay with me and I internalize them. It’s a cycle, a deep deep cycle. And it all depends on trust.

So here I am. Writing again. Starting again. Peeling another onion layer, letting the tears fall, allowing my vulnerability to just exist and bringing forward all my trust and (sexual) creative energy. That us what I suppress the most. Those 2 things are what I avoid the most, those are the things I am working with now.

Trust and creation. Trust Creation. Create to trust. Create and trust.

That’s my nest step. And that I am I need to know about where I am at right now.