I have been chased by slight depression for a while. It is hard to figure out the exact length I have been struggling with negative feelings, but I can tell it’s been a issue for more than a year and a half.
I felt some part of my body and mind have changed permanently since I identified mysely as a gay at the end of 2017.I sometimes wished a back to that time when I have just finished a feature recording the plight of a LGBT organization in my campus, from which I sensed a little bit self-recognition.

I was bold to affirm LGBT rights not only in my article but all the posts in my social media account even though my country continuously attempted to deny the existence of my community. I didn’t assume that gay life can be genuinely hard when it comes to seeking individual happiness. It is hard to find someone that I would like to give my shoulders to and generate spiritual interaction. It is even hard to spot someone who is willing to resonate with my thoughts.
While using the words like “my community”, I prefer to maintaining a distance with the so-called circle. Generally, the group is not that different from the majority: the elite ones showcase their lives with catchy pictures and videos online, shaping the hierarchy and ideology of chasing success. They wield the discourse and distort it as a socio-cultural context that respected life is mostly relevant with wealth possession and abundunce in life style. The group, or the majority of China, is quite used to embracing utilitarianism which definitely overlooks the stories of average ones.

I used to write a self-reflective article pointing out the importance of being a prosperous and anti-cynical individual rather than a elite seldom reaches out. But I find it powerless resisting the ideology. It usually swept down like a storm, wiping out the people who don’t surrender to the rules. I can’t bear losing my root even though I disliked the soil.
I am trying to find my way of being kind of isolated but not losing the access to any engagement which is potentially valuable. But sometimes I am rather doubtful about my ability of engaging in valuable things, like if I can perform steadily in the fast-changing and massively censored media industry in China.
While writing the proposal for a feature writing assignment of my graduate source, I put down the name of a commissioning editor of Qdaily, one of the best online media in China. I can’t help browsing their contents while struggling with my assignment. I dreamed of working in a place like that, yet valuing professionalism in a market which degrades quality contents and is desperate for profitable flow from rural areas.
I find my steps are impeded by the frame of my mind. Like I succeed in academic performance. I seldomly fall behind at school. While not in a leading position, I would find it tough to stay beneath the average line. I still have a pyramid in my mind. I don’t mean outstripping someone, but I don’t want to be defeated. I don’t pursuit prominence, but I can’t accept to be nobody. It really tears me apart from time to time, even bringing about a havoc-like depression which always frees me from doing anything.
I chatted with my gay friend yesterday, talking about my tendency of admiring others too much. I don’t know how to build up confidence of starting a career with minimum compromises, starting a relationship with someone who can switch on my sensibility of tiny happiness and complement my flaws and roughness, and embracing a brand new myself with determination and power. I even withhold incentives to my life, which makes my days a duplicated thing with few surprises. I am desperate to remove those undesirable stuff out of my life.
A large proportion of misery might come from uncertainty of future and unwillingness to get over the past, which definitely hits me or perhaps everyone. Any form of adjustment of self-expectation can be painful and even self-tortured, but inevitable and worthwhile as well.
While cooking my breakfast today, I suddenly began to think of the people earning their lives in megacities like Beijing or Shanghai. Millions of people manage to support themselves with average income, like the barbers, the couriers, the construction workers, the ones I used to ignore on the street and never be able to tell their expressions under private sphere. Are they that different from me? Or is it necessary to distinct groups fromgroups, communities from communities?Probably not.
There is a general picture here. We all find ourselves trivial. We all find barriers to achieve something. We all find success is occasional while failure is too tremendous to overcome sometimes. Whereas we all have small techniques to seize light in whatever defeated conditions. We all believe or persuade ourselves to believe we can’t be represented by a certain kind of discourse. We all manage to have our own stories to continue.

Maybe I am not that wise to get over anxieties, but I am tring to write my story here. I am trying to save myself from the vicious circle of losing faith and doing nothing. I aspire to be a story-teller, whose foundation is trying to reflect myself over the individual perspective as well as a broader socio-cultural context.
As for now, focus on the currency with maximum passion. Don’t sway, even if it knocks at my door and is ready to rob me of concentration.