We Become Free.
First of all, I need to tell you something about myself.
I am not the type of person that believes everything happens for a reason. I think we create our own destiny. However, today might have changed that.
What are the chances your phone sends a recording of you venting about someone to said person?
Two minutes. Damn. Cute record button, iPhone.
My aunt and I had a brutal argument last night, but the details are not necessary for this story.
Naturally, I wanted to vent. So, I went out to lunch with a friend and that is what I did.
Was I in the wrong? Yes.
Do I feel bad? Absolutely.
However, I am ok with knowing that I am human and we mess up.
So, today I lost my best-friend.
I am not sure how to feel.
Yes, I am heartbroken. Yes, I feel sad. However, I am still eating. So, it is much different then every other heartbreak I have come across.
My best friend, mother, sister, cousin, mentor, and aunt all wrapped into one. Gone.
I sit here with my thoughts and all I can hear is why?
What is the purpose in all this?
All of those years put in with nothing to show?
Is this heartbreak?
A mixture of failure and guilt?
We all have different types of relationships. Some healthy, some un-healthy. As I reflect, I realize the unhealthy nature of this relationship. Someone holds a lot of control over your life when you give them that much power. It begs the question: Is it ok for someone to play that many roles in your life?
Technically, she is my Aunt by adoption. My mom had me at Sixteen. We lived with my Grandma for most of my childhood. There was a bunch of us living under one roof, including my Aunt. Her Father had passed away, so my Grandma adopted her. Resulting in us growing up more like sisters. However, in her eyes she thought I was hers. She told me she would always pretend I was her baby.
This relationship grew strong and she quickly became my favorite human. We have consistently been a huge support system for the other. We had to be. We were alone or at least we felt alone. We were the black sheep. We both had abandonment issues with a side of daddy issues. We had no real support system, but the other. So, we clung.
Fast forward to her having way too much control and influence over my life. My decisions. My relationships with men.
Let me make one thing clear before I go any further. We were both at fault here and I take full responsibility for not creating healthier boundaries.
I don’t have boundaries. I am not good at setting them in many areas of my life.
Hopefully, I get better at that.
I never truly made big decisions without consulting her. Without including her in my every thought along the way. She was my mentor. She was my support system. She saved me in a lot of dark times. I appreciated her. She appreciated me. She gifted me my worth, my inner beauty, and my strength. She was my second mother and my teacher.
However, now I see that I clung to that. I clung to her. I became co-dependent. I gave her too much control.
It is almost comical to realize you are not as independent as you once thought.
Maybe destiny is at play here. Maybe that little blip had to be sent because it is time to let go.
Listen, we are all broken. We all have demons to bear. We need people. People need us. We fuck up, we grow, we keep moving, and keep pushing to be better.
Time continues. Moments pass. Wounds heal. We let go. We blossom. We become free.
In that order.
In this moment, I am heartbroken, but in this moment, I am free.