Waving* Hi Tai!
Long time no talk to — great to see you here on Medium. I resonate with SO much of what you said…I was unchurched until I became an adult and married my hubby. I tried the neighborhood church when I was a child, but only went one time, because an adult in the pew in front of my nephew and I told us to “stop making so much noise” when we were tapping our feet and clapping our hands with the music.
Years later, I joined the church my husband was raised in — The Fire Baptized Holiness Church of God of the Americas — and did all of those thing you mentioned: Two Sunday services, mid-week service, special services and Bible study, etc, etc, etc. We left when it became obvious that “do as I say not as I do” was more than just a good old saying. We lost a lot of relationships when we left, which made me sad.
I’ve now been a member for 20+ years of my local Unitarian Universalist church, which embraces all side of my being, and has encouraged me to the point that I’m now in Seminary studying to become a UU Minister.
Take your time — when it’s right for you, you’ll find your way back to church. Until then, enjoy being the brilliant and beautiful woman that you are, and may your family be forever blessed and prosperous!