A year ago, I would have never posted this photo.

It doesn’t have the most likes on my Facebook wall, it’s nothing more than a blimp on my Instagram. It has a meer two notes on Tumblr. It’s definitely not going to break the Internet, tragically I do not have the Jenner/Kardashian appeal.

But a year ago I would have never posted it.

The second it illuminated the back of my Canon dslr, I would have pressed the delete button faster than most people would instinctively duck at a dodgeball flying towards their face. Instinct is all it really is. For years I’ve programmed myself to erase all the images that showed my smile, hoping the lack of material to pick on would prevent me from having a reason to get. hurt.

Awkward pre-adolescent photos are almost non-existent. Smiling shots from birthday parties, weddings, and the zoo, despite always being a happy kid, well let’s just say thank god I have dimples. I’m one of the lucky few who naturally has a smiley face, even if I’m not smiling.

Years of non-existent smiling photos existed because I grew up getting told by society I shouldn’t smile.

I’ve been at war with myself for years. Classmates used to say I look like someone drew my smile on with a crayon and tried to erase it. Names like vampire and snaggletooth are forever engrained in my memory. I still remember insults I received in first grade, like someone told me them five minutes ago. And here’s what no one tells you, none of those comments will ever fully leave you. No matter how much you change about yourself, the wound will always stay fresh.

It should be said, I’m not writing this as a middle finger to society, I’m not going to cry about the reasons it took me years to smile in public let alone photos. What I will say though, is it stings then you get stronger, and you might slip up and it’ll sting even more but some day, somehow. you can tell your story without crying. That isn’t you getting used to it or the pain going away. You won’t cry because you own the story, pain and all. Some days will feel like walking on air and others will leave you not wanting to leave the safety of your bedcovers.

Our insecurities love to eat us alive and if you’re anything like me, you’ll let them because it’s comforting. Being honest about your insecurities is terrifying. I’ve been trying to write this blog post for almost a year now, because it’s scary. I’m admitting to the world what my Kryptonite is and on my part, that might be a very stupid thing to do. But I’m doing it because I’m not the only person who has ever felt this way. I’m being the person I needed when I was younger.

The scary thing about insecurities, especially life long ones like mine, is how it feels so safe. Like you’re constantly standing on the edge of a cliff watching rocks crumble down at your feet. If you turn around and hide, you miss the view and if you step any further, you’re doomed. Standing stationary is your best bet at survival.

But that’s the whole point. Standing still isn’t existing. It’s a temporary safety, one I’ve been victim to for years. I can safely say walking forward feels scary but I’ve been standing here so long I just feel like leaping forward and taking what comes my way. Maybe by falling, I’ll build up wings and fly.

So here’s the truth for myself and others. Hopefully me being blunt and honest helps someone else fight the monster that is insecurities.

My name is Diana and exactly one year ago today a girl for the first time in three years called me snaggletooth, a term I didn’t quite own at the time, and all the confidence I built up to that point crumbled down instantly and for the first time in years I went home and cried. Then I did what all girl bosses do and I made a New Years resolution, early but I made it. I was going to come to terms with my only existing insecurity, the only one I never even tried to conquer, my smile.

Did I do it? I have my days, we’re only human after all.

I started claiming ownership of the words snaggletooth and vampire, if you’re close to me, you use them interchangeably with my name. They now make me laugh, not build me down.

I knew if I wanted to conquer what I didn’t like, I had to stop deleting those pictures. I had to exist in photos, or I’d regret not having any. And for what? A insecurity I didn’t even know why I had in the first place?

I had to come to terms with myself as I am. Of course I can get braces and all the cosmetic work my dentist would allow me to get (thankfully, that’s none), but insecurities don’t just go away because you change the exterior. I had to work on myself.

However, the most important thing I had to do was learn how to be healthy. I could spend hundreds on whitening treatments and gapbands and diy dentistry for the perfect smile. Trust me it’s beyond tempting and I gave in for years. But I’d just end up in the chair spending thousands just to keep my teeth alive if the effects went south (and trust me, they always do).

In this fight with my insecurities, the best and most helpful thing I ever did, was listen to my dentist, hygienists and dental assistants. They offered the knowledge and tools to keep me healthy and my teeth looking their best without cosmetic work. When I asked for cosmetic work, they made me laugh, comforted me and most importantly said no. Their nagging to floss, positive attitude, and never questioning me on anything (especially why I’m asking so many questions about receding gumlines and dietary restrictions) was what I didn’t know I needed at the time. It was something after years as a patient, I grew accustomed to, forgetting I really was fortunate to have them be my dental team. Looking back now, getting taught how to maintain a healthy smile was way more important than “sticks and stones will never hurt you”, I mean in all honesty if you have a healthy smile and you’re experiencing no pain, does it even matter how crooked your teeth are?

A year ago I would never have posted a photo smiling, let alone one where you can see the arch of teeth. I used to envy models who in laughing shots could lift their head up slightly revealing a perfect set of teeth and a perfectly curved arch. Until I realized, the only thing stopping me was my own confidence level. It was on a daily basis for a year being aware of my teeth. And it wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be. Because in this year I learned who the hell cares?

So I challenge you, whoever you are, to face yourself and be completely honest. Create a new years resolution we can all follow, come to terms with what’s holding you back. And don’t do it silently, there’s so many people who want to see you overcome whatever is eating at you. Your friends want to see you smile, your doctors want you to be healthy believe it or not, and a ten year old version of you wants to see you fight monsters. You are not the names you were called today, or the ones you were called in grade school. You’re a complete badass, go out and prove it.

(And maybe a year from now you’ll post a blog post about what you never thought you’d do.)

Originally posted on my blog.