REFLECTIONS III- ‘So this is Reality?’
Whew… it has been a while, hasn’t it?
It is amazing how fast time flies when we are busy. I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that I am in my Junior year now, or worse, that I am a whole 20 year old woman! Haha. Nonetheless, I am appreciative of the growth that has happened in my life so far, and the many lessons I learnt along the way. This read is a struggle between ‘being vulnerable but not sharing too much’. Either way, it is my reflection, my Truth, no matter how beautiful or ugly it is. Hence, the aim is to authentically release my innermost thoughts and emotions to the best of my ability.
As crazy as this sounds, I have always been terrified by the reality of life. I have spent most of my life as a ‘happy-go-lucky’ going wherever the wind took me; it always worked. I was thrilled by spontaneity, and not knowing where I would end up, or how tomorrow would go. My life was mostly letting things flow and allowing the universe take charge, literally. While my ‘insane faith’ and optimism was a good thing, it never occurred to me just how Real life gets sometimes. Having to experience this first-hand completely freaked me out, and was by far the most difficult experience I’ve had to go through in college.
We hear myths everyday about how hard or complicated growing up can be, but it never clicks until we actually have to Grow up. This year has been a bittersweet one so far, however, I am eternally grateful for what it has taught me. My college aunt, Aunty Dee, usually says to me, “Be glad it happened now rather than later”. While it can be nerve-wrecking having to experience certain things, it helps to know that certain situations take place ‘now’ and you eventually get over them. Basically, you get the experience earlier while you can still handle it, than later when it could probably be worse. or not. who knows?
I had to learn the harsh reality that life is imperfect. EXTREMELY imperfect. Duhhh! I should have known this already, right? Maybe. But when you are young and used to things working out more than they do not, life’s imperfections are merely theory. When you are used to having certain decisions made on your behalf, or simply not having to think about and plan your future, it is easy to comfortably be in your zone where there is not much to worry about. This year, I have had to learn that with growth comes responsibilities, and happiness, and new experiences. But with it also comes pain, uncertainty, confusion…the list goes on.
There has been a lot of learning and unlearning done, loss of valuable relationships and interactions, and formation of new ones. It can be easy to lose oneself while we keep up with life’s many demands, or trying to please those around us while loving ourselves less as we prioritize those closest to our hearts. This is one lesson I learnt the hardest, and the journey back to who I really am has been a rocky, tough one. We are getting there though. One thing that stood out for me in the midst of all the noise was how important it is to make Christ the foundation of every aspect of our lives, no matter how insignificant in our eyes these aspects are. While I have always been a firm believer of the working power of God in my life, I never realized how easy it is to lose our identity in Him each time we try to take matters into our own hands, or each time we leave Him out of our decisions.
I have learnt that in ‘real’ life, you can hit absolute rock bottom when you least expect it. Moments and frustrations like these have the power to lower your esteem, and take away the confidence you have in yourself. However, I have also learnt that the same ground you hit can be a solid foundation upon which you build your life again. This may sound like a cliche, but it is true. As I progressed through the bumpy road of self-discovery, intense academic work, maintaining friendships/relationships and losing some, what stood out each time was just how significant it is to love oneself, a concept I’ve heard of all my life but never fully internalized. The concept of being a complete person and having confidence in oneself before adding others on our journey suddenly made a lot of sense.
While I admit that these lessons weren’t the ‘prettiest’, I couldn’t be more grateful that I learnt them now, because I can tell the next girl, that life does get real, but it is possible to bounce back gracefully. The sweetness of making God an integral part of my life has erased the bitterness life brought forth. Even though we expect goodness, troubles may come, situations may turn really ugly sometimes; but it is all the reality of life. I did not know this. I am glad I do now.
