Allen Issac To Take On Evil-da-Navel in 2018
Allen Issac, satirical assault specialist, throws down his gauntlet (its too hard to write with it on) and prepares for a blistering 12 round event against Evil-da-Navel, benighted Svengali of Trumpsterdum in 2018.
The contender, Death Knell Fingers Al (Death Knell Al), spoke to me on a secure satellite phone link from his Spar a Lardo training camp in Mexico. “I’ll make orangeade out of that spineless, seedless Evil-da-Navel,” Issac quickly responded to my first question about his plans for 2018. “I’m a Navel destroyer,” Death Knell Al continued with a Mafia voice impersonation inspired by another Al from New York. “I will go the full 12 rounds if necessary.”
The Spar-a-Lardo traning complex, built for Allen Issac by No Mames - Culero, a coalition of conservative Mexican citizens working to start a dialogue with President Tromp or “Te crees muy muy” (an endearing Mexican saying) about the negative impacts “HIS” border wall would cause. The training camp, a integral part of the coalition’s advocacy strategy, was provided to Death Knell Al to hone his satirical assault techniques.
Spar-a-Lardo, in an undisclosed secure location, will be developed into what the coalition calls “the best private golf course and resort in the world” after Death Knell Al’s training is complete. The hope is President “Te crees muy muy” will come to golf with the intention of buying the resort for himself.
A second coalition advocacy strategy comes in to play here. The golf course is designed to fit the unique terrain surrounding the current training camp. Unstable sinkholes are concealed under putting greens and over half of the sand traps fall nicely over areas of quicksand. If Pres. Twitler has a good golf day, and does not end up in a sand trap, many of the paths around the course run very close to dense vegetation and wetlands which will be stocked with a variety of hungry carnivorous creatures able to take down a “Lardo” predator on the course.
Death Knell Al is well aware of the coalitions other advocacy strategies and knows they are a backup to his efforts. He is confident that his 12 round satirical assault on Evil-da-Navel will leave the benighted Svengali weeping in fear.
To prove the effectiveness of his techniques, Death Knell Al turned on the satellite phones video feed, walked over to his weight bench, effortlessly flung two large wooden dumbbells over 500 feet into the nearby ocean (his trebuchet technique), picked the phone up again and finished the conversation leaving me with a memorable quote, in his Mafia voice, to end this article.
“I will not stop my satirical assault. I will go the full 12 rounds, if necessary, to make sure Evil-da-Navel and his Seedy Hedge Balls (Osage Oranges) are overcome by the same fear and dread they spread, whipped into a rancid orangeade and running down a dark alley trying to find refuge under the nearest sewer grate where sewage like them belong.”
Writers Note: I tried to get Evil-da-Navel to respond to Death Knell Al’s gauntlet. I did not get a response. Even his twitter account was silent in response. But I received a New Years greeting from the President Evil. He Tweeted, “Have Happy New Year. May you get what you deserve, you *$%!. . . (numerous expletives and unrecognizable words). I got the message! Go get him Death Knell Al.